Last month was rough.
Had it's victories and defeats.
And left the start of October with my head swirling.

But now, I'm taking my life back.
I'm doing what I need to for me.
I'm finding my center again.
Defining these lines.
Taking off the blinders.

It's not gonna be easy.
At all.
But it'll make me a better person.
So all the pain is worth it.

The Lord has been exploding my heart to things my mind can't even imagine.
And I'm so excited for it.
And humbled.
And honored.
And just every good emotion you can feel.

It's gonna be good.

Everything is happening so fast.
And I think my spirit knows more than my mind.

I want to fast forward past the next month
But, at the same time, I want to enjoy every moment of goodness in this madness.
Everything is changing.
But, it's not really bad.
I just can't let myself get overwhelmed that it's all different.

Right now, I just wish I knew where my journal from last year is...
I thought we unpacked all the boxes!

It's whatever.

I thought about writing in this blog.
But when I put my fingers to the keys, I can't bring myself to do it.

So many thoughts, so much emotion...
I've been here before
Numerous times.
And nothing good ever came out of it.
And I always ended up being to blame.

I just wish I knew what to do
How to fix this
How to stop caring.
How to not be afraid.
But I can't seem to figure that out.
So, it's just whatever.

©

My pen is heavy with words that want to be written.
Fingers aching to guide the ink across the page in hopes my heavy heart may become a little lighter.
No amount of ink could fill enough pages to shake the heaviness that haunts me.
What's this I speak of being haunted?
Surely someone with a smile of sunshine knows nothing of the sort.
There's no way I can know of such darkness.
Right?
Believing this would be your demise.
My entire life is about dark versus light.
Most of these are fought in silence.
Why speak of them?
Not many want to hear a story of such sorrow.
I'll just write instead.
Immortalizing my story to those who care to read it.
Instead of forcing it upon ears that let it fall to the floor.
I refuse to whore my speech around.
Not anymore.
I run my fingers over the words spilled across this page.
They are as real and alive as I am.
This fight is real.
This pain is real.
And soon the victory will be real.

I created a new blog.
About the lessons in life I learn through Ballet class.

I already have a bajillion blogs, so I was hesitant to create yet another one.
But this was something very important to me that I wanted to express.
It'll probably become my second most frequent blog to post on after this one.

I saw that it had 4 views.
How?
No one I know knows of it yet.
That I know of, at least...
So, I kinda skimmed around the new features of the website
I still haven't gotten to play around on it yet, most of my posts have been on my phone and, frankly, I don't know if they make it to the blog or not.
I found some statistic thing that tells you how many views you have, broken down into different time periods, and now even broken down into region most reached.
3 views were from Russia and one was from Germany.

Really?
People in Russia and Germany are reading my blog?
I'm just a plain-Jane girl from a tiny town in Texas that has too many thoughts for my brain so I decide to paste them all over the internet via this blog in hopes that my friends won't get to sick of hearing them so much.
hah. That made me laugh... Super long run on sentence...
anyway.

It was pretty cool, to think that little ol' me has a connection to someone's life on the other side of the world.
People I have never met.
Who knows what walk of life they lead?

So, even though it's just 4 people, that they could be perverted men drooling over the library keyboard for all I know, I still feel a sense of influence.
Like, maybe the things I say do have a purpose or a reason.
That maybe these words matter.
Sure, not all of them will.
I mean, come on, I ramble.
A lot.
But maybe, just maybe, something will stick.
Maybe these words will one day mean something to someone
Make them feel a little more normal.
Maybe they are from a big city on the other side of the world, feeling alone in the crowd. A "small town celebrity" of sorts where everyone knows their name but no one knows their heart.
'Cause, in a sense, that's me.
Except that I have a few that are willing to see my heart.  Which is invaluable in my book.

anyway.
I'm watching dance moms.
I want fried chicken.
These are my confessions

:)

I need to learn to be okay by myself.
I'm in a really difficult place right now, and I know I just have to push through it.
It's hard when the one thing you know you can do for someone is nothing at all.
At the same time, I feel selfish. That I asked. That I feel like I can ask things of the people that are also hurting. Granted, it kinda all fell in spaced out timing. Still, I can't help but feel badly.
I want to help. I want to fix it. I don't even know how to fix myself.
I don't know what I need. And life doesn't stop to let you figure it out.
I'm conflicted.
I'm conflicted on a few different parts of life.
nothing really seems clear or certain.
At the same time, I feel selfish.
I feel like a jerk. For not appreciating what I do have. For not understanding. For not being more sensitive.

I wish I knew what to do.
so I'm gonna sleep...

these days.

It seems that I'm always learning new things.
Things all over the spectrum.
I'm really grateful for it. It really feels like I'm starting to get back to a point I was at that I long to return to...
It's a long time coming...
Lots of tears, vulnerability, walls being town down, questions, doubt... many more things all laced in between.
Still feel like I'm learning. I hope to never stop. but there are many more things that are coming up.
We're getting to the difficult stuff.

My Pastor asked me if I could lead a Bible study next fall... I was kinda shocked. I've never been asked to do that. Actually, I have, but I was asked because they needed someone and I'm a giver. This time he asked me not just because they need someone, but because he believes I am capable...
I actually hesitated, because I didn't think I was. I mean, I think I am, but I questioned it.
So, now, I'm going to be leading a group of girls. A group of my peers. A group I was just among. What set me apart?

So now, here I am.
I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I finally feel like I'm not dragging.

Then I come across a really hard scenario. Where my progress comes across wrong... It's a hard thing because I want to keep progressing, but I don't want to hurt people...

I was told, "It's just that it seems that Christ just emanates from you."
Biggest compliment pretty much ever.
But it held some weight to it.

I just want people to see that I'm not perfect.
That this isn't because of a certain amount of time of dedication
Or that I'm something super special.
Everything I am is obtainable by anyone who wants it
And more.
Compared to some of my friends, I'm behind. I could be better. I'm even considered a failure.
But I'm me. And I follow my own convictions and the voice of God.
That's about all you can really do. Especially in this day and age... you have so many voices in your head and all around you, it can make you doubt everything you know. Sometimes makes you doubt if you even hear the voice of God. But you have to stick to what you know. Run with it, even if it doesn't make sense. Even if you're clueless. Even if you're curled up on the floor crying until your eyes ache.
Just keep going. Even on days you doubt. Even on days you feel like you're taking no ground. Even on days it feels pointless. We all have those days.

Keep going. Do what you know. If you feel like you fall behind, just take a breather. You don't have to stay there. It's okay. You're human.

Welcome to the club.
We're gonna make it