oh, life. you're so funny.
all these twists. unknowns. randoms.
hahahahahahaha
of course, on a week like this.
what am I to do?
what do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
hellephino!

I feel like this new step holds more than I realize.
Change usually all happens at once for me--more than one thing changing at a time.
But this one seems difference.

It's like I'm staring my past in the face and screaming, "You don't define me."
I have my "adult" job, now.
And even though it is scaring the crap out of me, it feels right.
Like there's something in this that I can't see but that I need to learn for whatever God has for me next.
It's kinda cool, actually.
To know that even though I don't understand why I'm here, I can rest in the fact that He does.
I mean, I've done things I didn't understand several times before
But this time I'm actually resting in the fact that He holds my heart.

I love it.
and I'm more grateful than words can ever say for the friends I have in my life.
they have encouraged me so much today as I was so nervous. It brought me to tears multiple times.
I don't think they realize what I was experiencing and what their encouragement really did for me.

oh, life. you're so silly.
But you're a flower about to bloom.

I'm Naked.

I'm naked, and I like it.
Let me explain.

Things I've posted on here about things I'm learning I need to change in myself; I have learned when I post about them here, it sets.
Being naked--being completely honest about my faults and shortcomings--really shows me ways to fix them.
Example. I once posted about how I lacked confidence. That post comes back to me every time I feel like I don't have any. That there's nothing good to me. I remember what God had showed me that I posted about, and I remember a comment my friend posted encouraging me. And I trust that what he says is true. Now, I have way more confidence, and it shows. And I am so grateful.

So what am I learning now?
Fear is stupid.
What is the point? I get myself all worked up and terrified about something that is completely in my head. I know it's not true, I know it's not going to happen, and even if it did, it wouldn't be new and I know the Lord is never going to fail me. So what is there really to be afraid of?
Same with control. I always want to have control of situations, and be prepared and do all I can. Sometimes, there's going to be nothing I can do. Nothing but trust.
This was easier said than understood.
But yesterday I did all my 5-year-old crying (those of you who know me know that this is a new thing to me. I don't usually cry. Long story on that) and today I'm able to see the areas I need to improve in, how to do that, where I'm wrong, and where I just have to trust.
And that not knowing everything, not having it all together... that's okay. I don't have to.
So, I'm being naked about all that, in hopes it sinks in and takes root, and that the next time I'm scared out of my wits and want to desperately take control, I'll remember that all I really need to do is take a step back and evaluate what is fact, what is fear, and where I need to just trust.
God has never failed me, why would He now?
I can't say that about anyone else. I'd say that makes His reputation a pretty awesome one.

it's funny how my life works.
I'm a different breed, that's for sure.
I like to plan, but I almost never get to.
I'll be here...
waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
...waiting... waaaaaiting....
waiting, waiting, waitBAM! Answer!
then I'm so uncertain because what I was waiting for happened so suddenly.
hah
I should be used to it.
Even though this seems like a crazy way to live,
I wouldn't have it any other way

my dear friend Megan Mounce sent me a scripture that in the Message version hit me across the face.
" He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. "


Romans 4:20
ironic that it's 4:20, too.
I'm gonna be clinging to this one, for sure

I should know by now that talking is pointless.
People will fail you.

now I'm more confused than before.
Whatever.
Self-preservation mode is in full swing.

oh, life, you're so funny...

But even amongst the crappy things that make me want to cry and the stupid people making me almost lose my Christianity (if you know what I mean) there are still the things that make you worth living.

Like, a manager who understands, people as happy to see you as you are to see them, a milk man who brings you breakfast, and friends who love you even though you're messier than a pig in mud.

And there's the hope that not all days are like this.