Everything is happening so fast.
And I think my spirit knows more than my mind.

I want to fast forward past the next month
But, at the same time, I want to enjoy every moment of goodness in this madness.
Everything is changing.
But, it's not really bad.
I just can't let myself get overwhelmed that it's all different.

Right now, I just wish I knew where my journal from last year is...
I thought we unpacked all the boxes!

It's whatever.

I thought about writing in this blog.
But when I put my fingers to the keys, I can't bring myself to do it.

So many thoughts, so much emotion...
I've been here before
Numerous times.
And nothing good ever came out of it.
And I always ended up being to blame.

I just wish I knew what to do
How to fix this
How to stop caring.
How to not be afraid.
But I can't seem to figure that out.
So, it's just whatever.

©

My pen is heavy with words that want to be written.
Fingers aching to guide the ink across the page in hopes my heavy heart may become a little lighter.
No amount of ink could fill enough pages to shake the heaviness that haunts me.
What's this I speak of being haunted?
Surely someone with a smile of sunshine knows nothing of the sort.
There's no way I can know of such darkness.
Right?
Believing this would be your demise.
My entire life is about dark versus light.
Most of these are fought in silence.
Why speak of them?
Not many want to hear a story of such sorrow.
I'll just write instead.
Immortalizing my story to those who care to read it.
Instead of forcing it upon ears that let it fall to the floor.
I refuse to whore my speech around.
Not anymore.
I run my fingers over the words spilled across this page.
They are as real and alive as I am.
This fight is real.
This pain is real.
And soon the victory will be real.

I created a new blog.
About the lessons in life I learn through Ballet class.

I already have a bajillion blogs, so I was hesitant to create yet another one.
But this was something very important to me that I wanted to express.
It'll probably become my second most frequent blog to post on after this one.

I saw that it had 4 views.
How?
No one I know knows of it yet.
That I know of, at least...
So, I kinda skimmed around the new features of the website
I still haven't gotten to play around on it yet, most of my posts have been on my phone and, frankly, I don't know if they make it to the blog or not.
I found some statistic thing that tells you how many views you have, broken down into different time periods, and now even broken down into region most reached.
3 views were from Russia and one was from Germany.

Really?
People in Russia and Germany are reading my blog?
I'm just a plain-Jane girl from a tiny town in Texas that has too many thoughts for my brain so I decide to paste them all over the internet via this blog in hopes that my friends won't get to sick of hearing them so much.
hah. That made me laugh... Super long run on sentence...
anyway.

It was pretty cool, to think that little ol' me has a connection to someone's life on the other side of the world.
People I have never met.
Who knows what walk of life they lead?

So, even though it's just 4 people, that they could be perverted men drooling over the library keyboard for all I know, I still feel a sense of influence.
Like, maybe the things I say do have a purpose or a reason.
That maybe these words matter.
Sure, not all of them will.
I mean, come on, I ramble.
A lot.
But maybe, just maybe, something will stick.
Maybe these words will one day mean something to someone
Make them feel a little more normal.
Maybe they are from a big city on the other side of the world, feeling alone in the crowd. A "small town celebrity" of sorts where everyone knows their name but no one knows their heart.
'Cause, in a sense, that's me.
Except that I have a few that are willing to see my heart.  Which is invaluable in my book.

anyway.
I'm watching dance moms.
I want fried chicken.
These are my confessions

:)

I need to learn to be okay by myself.
I'm in a really difficult place right now, and I know I just have to push through it.
It's hard when the one thing you know you can do for someone is nothing at all.
At the same time, I feel selfish. That I asked. That I feel like I can ask things of the people that are also hurting. Granted, it kinda all fell in spaced out timing. Still, I can't help but feel badly.
I want to help. I want to fix it. I don't even know how to fix myself.
I don't know what I need. And life doesn't stop to let you figure it out.
I'm conflicted.
I'm conflicted on a few different parts of life.
nothing really seems clear or certain.
At the same time, I feel selfish.
I feel like a jerk. For not appreciating what I do have. For not understanding. For not being more sensitive.

I wish I knew what to do.
so I'm gonna sleep...

these days.

It seems that I'm always learning new things.
Things all over the spectrum.
I'm really grateful for it. It really feels like I'm starting to get back to a point I was at that I long to return to...
It's a long time coming...
Lots of tears, vulnerability, walls being town down, questions, doubt... many more things all laced in between.
Still feel like I'm learning. I hope to never stop. but there are many more things that are coming up.
We're getting to the difficult stuff.

My Pastor asked me if I could lead a Bible study next fall... I was kinda shocked. I've never been asked to do that. Actually, I have, but I was asked because they needed someone and I'm a giver. This time he asked me not just because they need someone, but because he believes I am capable...
I actually hesitated, because I didn't think I was. I mean, I think I am, but I questioned it.
So, now, I'm going to be leading a group of girls. A group of my peers. A group I was just among. What set me apart?

So now, here I am.
I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I finally feel like I'm not dragging.

Then I come across a really hard scenario. Where my progress comes across wrong... It's a hard thing because I want to keep progressing, but I don't want to hurt people...

I was told, "It's just that it seems that Christ just emanates from you."
Biggest compliment pretty much ever.
But it held some weight to it.

I just want people to see that I'm not perfect.
That this isn't because of a certain amount of time of dedication
Or that I'm something super special.
Everything I am is obtainable by anyone who wants it
And more.
Compared to some of my friends, I'm behind. I could be better. I'm even considered a failure.
But I'm me. And I follow my own convictions and the voice of God.
That's about all you can really do. Especially in this day and age... you have so many voices in your head and all around you, it can make you doubt everything you know. Sometimes makes you doubt if you even hear the voice of God. But you have to stick to what you know. Run with it, even if it doesn't make sense. Even if you're clueless. Even if you're curled up on the floor crying until your eyes ache.
Just keep going. Even on days you doubt. Even on days you feel like you're taking no ground. Even on days it feels pointless. We all have those days.

Keep going. Do what you know. If you feel like you fall behind, just take a breather. You don't have to stay there. It's okay. You're human.

Welcome to the club.
We're gonna make it

Idaho has my heart

I don't even know how to begin to find words to form to say everything on my heart.
It's far too much.
I have found myself in a new place. One that I have a hard time explaining, mainly because it takes too many words to do so which most people wouldn't want to sit through, but also it takes no words at all.

It's as if a light switched that was off has been flipped on.

Simply put: I am new.
Not that the old me was bad, but it's nothing like the new.
There were things I needed to shed. Ideas I needed to lose, fears I needed to silence, truths I needed to believe.
But you see, I couldn't do this on my own.

I went to Idaho this last week to take pictures of a dear friend of mine's wedding.
Going in to the trip I found myself very nervous...
I was fearful because even though I loved my friends deeply, I wasn't sure if things would be awkward. We have always been friends, but not as close as one would hope. Time and distance does this, which is understandable. It wasn't bad, but I thought of it as not the best. I don't know how to explain this, and it's not important anyway.
I got there and noticed myself reacting differently than I expected. Differently than I normally would in this situation. Maybe it was the fact that I had just taken 3 strangers in on the great adventure to even get to Idaho and made 3 new friends I'll probably never see again. Beats me.
Even as I proceeded to meet The Roommates. These are the girls I knew are dear friends of Ambrelle's. My roommate always talked so highly of them, so I automatically felt comfortable with them. I usually am really quiet and awkward in super new situations like this. This time, I was the "awkward extrovert" where I talk more than anyone cares to listen to.
But I didn't care.

That was new to me.
I didn't care what was thought of me.
Not over analytically, like usual.
I wasn't evaluating every persons every move and motive to process and assume their opinion of me.
And I'm so glad I wasn't. That's exhausting.
It helped that a friend of mine said, "You know you're loved? And you're wanted here?"
She later challenged me without even realizing it with, "why don't you just be yourself?"
Who am I, anyway?
What defines me?

These girls showed me something I never realized I was missing.
Hearing them pray in tongues over Ambrelle left me amazed.
I missed that.
I longed for it, without even realizing.
This left me stuck. but not a bad stuck.
Just in a place of reevaluation.
Where is my life? What do I value most? Who is most important to me? What does this say about who I am?
Needless to say, there was a shift.

I am new.
I didn't come back the same way I left.
I realized I had been in a drought of sorts. Being in the company of those girls helped me see this. That my life holds more potential than I'm letting it do. That I need to change in order to grow.

I was a little nervous to address my best friend about this.
You see, the last time something like this happened, best friend at the time didn't understand and things blew up. It was a very difficult time and took a lot to heal from that. I didn't want to have to go through it again.
But it's as if I felt the Lord asking me, "If I asked you to give up Ashley, would you?"
well... would I?
If that's what stood between God and I, would I give her up?
Now this wasn't as hard of a decision as Abraham offering up Issac on the altar, but it held the same significance. She is the most important relationship in my life (after my family, of course) and I can't let her take the place of God Himself.
So I'm faced with a decision.
And I said, "yes, yes I would... and I'd trust that things would be okay. Because even though they've sucked sometimes, I've always been okay."
Well, wouldn't you know we sat in my room for hours last night. Just sharing our hearts.
Turns out God had opened her eyes to so many things for herself. We both found ourselves saying "I don't have to worry about you anymore" about each other, which was such relief.
It may not make sense. Actually, I can almost guarantee it doesn't. But it doesn't need to.
Last night was a night for the books. One I'll never forget as long as I'm alive. One of those moments that will outlive me.
One that brings my heart such peace. So much that I can't even explain it.
I felt like the Lord was preparing me. That all the things I've been praying for and waiting for for years and years and years, things that have only seemed like imagination are starting the happen. The ball is rolling. That it's all gonna accelerate from here and I need to be ready.
This isn't a dream. This is reality.
I have the friend I'd always hoped for. The living situation I've always dreamed of. My family is succeeding and taken care of. I have faith and confidence in myself. I have a great support system around me to help support and cultivate my dreams.

The Lord has blessed me indeed.
Idaho inspired me, and there's no going back.

My heart is overflowing. I have no words