Introvert and stuff.

It's funny to me how one second I'll feel like nothing has changed between 16 and 26, and the next second it feels like I'm not even the same person.

The things my eyes have seen
The things my heart has felt
The things my mind has been told

Definitely more than one would thing when they look at me.

I think I'm becoming more introverted by the second.
Don't get me wrong, I love people. There's just a difference between different human interactions.

There's the people that I will drop anything for, no matter what:
These are the people that never seem to get on my nerves. Someone broke your heart? I'm on my way with ice cream or coffee. Trouble at work and you just want to get your mind off of it? Come over, we'll paint my house or something. You have to jet out of town to take your beloved dog to the vet? I'll be there to watch the other two, no matter what I'm doing or how far it is. Foot breaks? I'll be there to process what just happened with you, the best I can.
Sometimes I don't really realize one person or another is one I'll drop anything for like that. But when the moment arises, you know. Generally, I'll help if I can, but there are some that don't feel like anything out of the ordinary. Some that I don't count the cost before, I just make it happen, because someone needs help and I am able to help.
Now, I'm human, so I can't do everything or help everyone, but I truly want to do my best for these people. They deserve it.

There's the people that I'll be there for if they really need it, but won't offer if I'm not asked:
These are the people that can use me, or don't get the help they need to handle everything, if that makes sense. The ones that will ask me because I'm there, not necessarily because they need it. Generally good people, but can err on the side of needy. I have mixed feelings about these people.

Then there's the people that voluntell you to do something:
These are the people that assume you will do something because you're good at it, it's your profession, "You always have your camera" or whatever else. These are also the people that won't tell you or ask you to do something, but instead assume you'll do it because you "always do" and then if you don't (like when I don't bring my camera) have the means to do it, they get mad at you.

The first group are the people that can almost always call up, ask for help, and I'm there. I say almost because sometimes I have to turn even my closest friends down for my own health or whatever, or have something I absolutely can't get out of. But for these, I'll do all I can to be there.

The second group I handle depending upon how spent I am with my own life and how many first groupers have already needed help. Typically I'm pretty done, which I used to do about anything I was asked, but I've gotten better about that. Some people have started to get mad at me for this, or avoid me, or whatever. But I have to take care of myself. No matter how much I care about people, I can't be everything to everyone.

The third group are people who need to be punched in the face. I avoid these at all cost. They do nothing but sap me of energy and strength.

And not only in the context of helping people. Sometimes just being around the people from the latter groups can be exhausting. They ask questions I don't have answers to, or assume things that are idiotic, or just want to find out something you know, or want to mark off something on their list by seeing you.

Cut off those people that have you as nothing more than an item on your list to be marked off.

I wish this were more easily accepted for me. I find myself trying to take care of me, but then there are things I'm required to do that I would much rather not, but I don't really have a choice.
(Thankfully, Nutcracker is getting me out of a lot of these this year. Sadly, not all.)

I'd like to live life on my own schedule. I'd like to make decisions for myself, and not seem to have an agenda that's owed to certain people.
I realize this sounds really rude, or shallow, or whatever. But honestly, sometimes I'd just rather lay in my bed with a book and do nothing.
Sometimes I'd like to be alone except for a choice friend. Sometimes I'd like to have a few. But I hate feeling required to do things that don't interest me.

I guess it comes down to this: Time is short, I don't want to waste what I have left on things or people I'm not passionate about.

But I do what I have to do, because sometimes those things you can't stand open up doors to things you love, or give you experience for something that will happen later that will be easier because you stuck it out before.
At least, this is what I tell myself to get through.

Some people just want to suck the life out of you to make themselves feel better. You are not chocolate, you are not a power plug, you are not Jesus. Don't let them sap you of what you have for their comfort.

Know who your friends are and who is worth your time.
(Hint. The first group-ers are typically those that hate asking for help, or don't want to be a bother. And that's how you know; because they won't use you, and they're typically beyond grateful.)

Sometimes sad things happen.

I found out another friend of mine died on Sunday.
I wasn't immensely close to him. I hadn't even spoken to him in 10 years. (since he graduated. I feel old.) But we were on the same debate team, which was a family.

This has kind of wrecked me again.
I don't understand why I've known so many people to die. My record is 17 months without someone dying. I don't think this is normal, but at the same time I feel like I don't have the right to be sad.
"You weren't that close to them."
"You weren't their best friend."
"They didn't even follow you on   insert social media site here  ."
"Someone else was closer to them."
"Their mom doesn't even know who you are."
"Who are you to grieve my best friend? You don't even know. Stop playing. You don't know pain."

These are things that go through my head.
Because there will  always  be someone who was closer/better/more than you.

I find myself feeling connections to certain people who died that I never met.

• Rachel Scott
• Anne Frank
• Esther Earl

Just to name a few.
Why? I never met them. I never can meet them. They had friends and family who loved them; who am I to be sad over their death?

But, isn't that something to be said over their life?
That someone whose name they never knew was so touched by their life that they feel a pang of the loss?
Sure, it'll never be to the same caliber as someone who knew them personally.
But, that doesn't mean that it's nothing, right?

I've been doing a lot of thinking.
About living and dying and the point of it all.
There are many thoughts in my head about it all, but they are so numerous, I don't know I could even attempt to get it all down.

So they'll stay there for now.

One day, I will die. And maybe one day these blog posts will mean something. And maybe some people will feel something from them; people I've never met. And I'm sure they won't feel the same as you who follow me while I'm here, living and breathing and actively thinking. But words live on long after the speaker dies.
I just want mine to be worth it, ya know?
Not to be something that hurts or is pointless.

I dunno, those are my thoughts for now.