I must admit, it is a very welcome change; even if it is ever so slight.
So I've got my fall scented burner going, my favorite Autumn tunes and a comfy (light) sweater on as I try to convey what it is I want to say.
Let me preface with a few thoughts about this post.
At first, the realization happened and a smile was brought to my face. I felt light and pleasant--like all my enduring and pain was finally starting to let up and things are getting better. I kinda already talked about this a bit before, but this was a moment for me.
Then I started thinking about writing the blog post, and how this might be one I put out there. Not many people read this blog, and certain points I'll post about publicly.
Then I started to think about if this will get backlash. What would I do if someone chewed me out over it or got their feelings hurt?
Then I thought something momentous: This is my story, I'm entitled to tell it. I don't care what they think.
So, here we go.
Today is my co worker's birthday. I woke up early so I could buy her flowers and a balloon before work because "every birthday girl needs a balloon!" That's when I noticed the cooler air, crisp against my skin. Autumn is here.
In Texas, it takes a bit longer for the full effects to happen, so we relish in the 79 degrees that is the first sign of Fall. I felt happier, more alive.
I felt hopeful.
My boss's wife had made a breakfast casserole for my co worker since breakfast is her favorite and asked me to bake it in the morning. I get here before anyone else, so I'm bustling about, getting everything ready, putting the flowers and balloons on Gail's desk just right and making sure everything is good to go for breakfast.
About the time Gail walked in the door, you could smell the goodness coming from the oven. The timer went off and I pulled the dish out and smiled.
It felt like fall, the air smelled of fall. I was reminded of days of open window, lit candles, curled up on the couch, cup of coffee roommate living and it made me smile.
So I took these pictures when I realized what was happening.
Smells of Autumn.
So I'm there, happy. Even in knowing that I can't eat ham and I will surely be feeling the pain of this temporary pleasure later. The memories were sweet and I wanted to run with it.
That's when I realized how hopeful I felt.
I used to be friends with this girl, and my experiences with her had overrun my view of fall. By "overrun" I mean that they had replaced the old memories and became the new thing with which I associated Fall. This was good at the time, but became painful as the days passed.
I'll admit, I was a bit nervous coming to the end of this summer, knowing that I could potentially be overwhelmed by the memories of years before. That Autumn and Winter could become a darkness that settles over my heart rather than a freshness that wakes me up. I had finally moved past the connotation of death and near death that had laced the seasons before, only to have it replaced with pain and betrayal to learn to move past.
I was very fortunate last year to be living where I was. My roommates were wonderful and helped give me something positive to hold to and a great example to follow in my own life. I think this was a detrimental step in the process to coming to an Autumn and eventually Winter that I can enjoy, and for that I am forever grateful.
There are still moments that past people say things that hurt. They may think they are doing the righteous thing, but it's actually twisting the knife around and can make for a painful day. But I am glad to know that I am on the ascending end of this issue, and that next year the Autumn season will be laced with happy feelings.
I hope the house is finished before the cool weather goes away, so I can spend a Saturday with open windows, comfy pants, lit candles, and favorite movies.
It's these simple things that remind you that life is good. These kind of days where you can step back and know you like the person you are.
Thanks, Autumn.
No comments:
Post a Comment