So, my new camera is a beast.
I got to test it out at the Net last night
man, I missed it. no joke.
I felt...home...I felt like...like...I don't even know if I can explain it.
I'm in a room, surrounded with people that I love, and that love me, and realizing that love...feeling it... all while just soaking completely submerged in the presence of God.
Everything Sean Feucht spoke about was exactly what God's been speaking to me about...starting at the conference up until the day before.
It got me so excited.
I never wanted that night to end
and to think, one day, it won't.
:D

God is so cool!!!!

I got blessed today.
Like, ridiculously.
Went in for the internship, I haven't even met with the main guy, but Lily messaged me saying she got the okay to use me before I meet with him.
heck yes.
THEN
I go to church. And I get this text from person. after church, said person gives me this wad of cash, to buy a new camera. Jesus told person to, and I know this for a fact. Cause, person hears from God, and wouldn't just do this for the fan fare...it's so amazing. Like. It's enough to tithe, buy a freakin' awesome camera, and have money left over for my brother in law's car.
I cried. I flat out just cried. This means....more than I have words for.
God really does love me. He really does care about me.
Faith really works... it does.
I've never had anything like this happen to me. Ever. And, I am lost for words.
This is beyond amazing...
God is so indescribable.
:D
He loves me
He cares about me
He cares about my heart, and what concerns me
This is just, so awesome
He provides. He does
Even when it seems like it's impossible...it's right there
right around the corner
"and though it tarries, wait for it"
or whatever that says, I'm sure that's misspelled...
.oh well :)
Thank You, Jesus.
You are so good to me

recently.

Life has been pretty crazy here recently.
I'm not too sure what all I have blogged about.
my car got broken into, they stole my camera, I hit chad's car on accident, forgot margo at the church...what else?
Bunches of crazy stuff.
I have a photography internship that I start tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I'm hoping I'll be fine after the first day. I've just never been there, and it's all completely new.
I also have jury duty. womp.

I've been feeling recently like my live is just caught in a whirlwind, and I have no say, and am completely lost, and just have to deal with it.
Like there's nothing secure, nothing certain, nothing tangible.
Like my heart is somewhere that I'm not physically... so I'm so discontent.

Today, I ambushed Betty. She was going through something, but I had no idea what. And she was just acting so different. And it just did not sit well with me. I emailed her, and before I read her response, I met up with her. I'm glad it happened that way, because her email said she wanted to just be alone to work everything out...
I'm glad I didn't read that first...
because...then I wouldn't have gone...

...and if nothing else, spending that hour with her made all the difference for me.
I feel like I have something tangible. Something sure...some sense of security...
I haven't felt this in a while.

I hate that I can't seem to be content...
Why is it that everything makes me so miserable? Why can't I just go to my job and make the most of it and not be so upset?
I don't know.
It seems like nothing's right...
Unless I'm journaling...or creating...
Everything just seems empty.
What's wrong with me?

The freakin’ leak is back.
As if we didn’t have enough things slamming us in the face.
My car won’t be done until Monday (it was supposed to be done LAST Saturday…), We had to replace the water heater because of the leak we had before that, my brother-in-law and mom’s cars are in the shop, too, and I know there was more stuff before, but I can’t even remember it now.
All the while, my family still gives out to the church, and helps whoever needs it, all while doing jobs we can’t stand, and my sister going to school to get screwed over.

not to toot our own horns at all, just really, when the heck are we gonna catch a break?

Then I have people freakin’ asking me when they’re gonna see me, or why I don’t come anymore, or why I’m not in school, or blah blah blah.
And granted, there are people that I really want to see, and will do everything in my power to do so, but when people I don’t even know are giving me crap about it…or people that know everything are giving me crap about it, what the hell?
What do you want from me?? I’m barely holding my head above water, and you’re going to complain?
And then there’s the people begging me to put up pictures on facebook before I even freakin’ get home, and they’re tearing me down because I haven’t done it. Oh, yeah, I forgot, the world revolves around you. My bad.
Then there’s the people that cause so much crap at the church, because people are afraid of hurting feelings or stepping on toes. I’m sorry, but that’s part of it. Yes, we love Jesus, but even He had to step on toes. If we don’t fix this now, it’s just gonna get worse.
Then there’s of course those wonderful people who use us…What the hell am I supposed to do?Oh yeah, I’m supposed to keep going.
Then you have the lady—who annoys the hell out of you anyway—say “hey, smile!” as you’re walking to youth. Because I have to smile 24/7? I know I’m not showing everything that’s going on all over my face. Because I make a point not to. It’s none of their business. But they have the nerve to critisize me and tell me I have to smile? Screw you, lady. Screw you.
Can you tell I’m a bit peeved?
Jesus, You said in Your word that You’d supply for us, and You’d take care of us, and if we give, it’s given back to us immesurably more… So I’m holding You to that. I expect results.

So I went to this conference.

holy moly.
Amazing. Honestly and truly
And I don't think I realized how truly amazing it was until now.
I'm home, back to normal life.
Learn to cope.
Now, life isn't terrible. By any means. It's actually quite wonderful.
It just seems as though there is this cloud looming over
I don't really know how to explain it.

I thought it would be hard to be with my family, but, honestly, that was when I felt the happiest, and most comfortable.
I mean, I want to be on my own and all, but it was good to just know I have family.

So now, I'm laying here...my bag still packed, room a mess of everything I left behind--clothes, fears, everything out of my car, work keys...
Many things happened right before I left
My car got broken into
My camera got stolen
I had to deal with a lot of people on those two things alone...
ummm...just a lot.
A lot of fear, a lot of questions, a lot of rearranging and figuring out.

Anyways.
I went to this conference at Christ For The Nations, and it was awesome.
I found myself at the spiritual point with God that I last found myself at when attending first year at TBI...
When I had visions, and dreams, and heard God's voice so clearly. It was a very defining moment.
It was so...refreshing, and...comforting almost. Just so good to know that I'm not hopeless.
I realized that I think I'm more important to people than I realize.
That I have influence
That I do matter. And I do make a difference.
Even though I don't really see it, or understand how.
It's not about me anyway.
I know that things are about to shift. They have to be. Things can't just stay here.
I'm ready, I am. But I don't want to lose this...
...everything I've rediscovered.
I just want to find more, to go deeper, to push harder...
I never want to end one day the same way I began it. I want to go forward.
continuously forward.

Jesus, please continue to burn in me.
Help me to not forget that this is all about You
burn in me
burn in me
burn in me...

Life

Has taken a new metaphorical twist.
Nothing really caused it, but it's definitely different.
...
in a good way.