Things lately.

I was flipping through the journals from the last year and a half since I moved home last night.
I'm going out of the country for 13 days and I don't want my family to read them if they pack up parts of my room while I'm gone, so a friend I trust offered to hold onto them for me.

There are five journals, not including my current one.
I didn't intend to read them, but got caught on a few parts when checking for the dates to make sure I didn't miss a journal. (Which I had. So good thing I checked.)

Things were so hard. I was so sad.
And things can still be difficult and I can still be sad, but generally life is so much better now.
I don't know if that's just because I'm leaving the country Friday and my house is almost done and all these other good things are happening, or if it's because life is actually better.
But since Oz things have been notably better. Almost as though the show was the actual catalyst. It began very difficultly, but by the end my heart was so full and happy.

Sucky things still happen.

• my friend died
• my cat died
• ballet has been rough
• work is difficult

But the way I feel during and after the sucky things has changed.
I'm not as hopeless.
The sadness doesn't feel as sad.
I have these people that call me their friend and care about me.
These people supporting me in what I do.
These people laughing with me, yet crying with me.
These people sharing the same quirks I thought I should be embarrassed over.
But I don't have to be. Because I'm not the only one.
I have these people that help me become a better version of myself.

So life is weird.
I don't know what's next, I don't know what's ahead. It feels like something is waiting for me, but I couldn't tell you what it is.
Whatever it may be, it has to be good.

Here we go again.

Initial writings after tragedy.
More to come, I'm sure.

My Eyes Are Green and Red ©

It wasn't supposed to be you. 
Full of life and promise,
That's who you're supposed to be. 
That's changed.

The drone of cheers and celebration ring in my ears 
But all I think about is you. 
You're gone now. 
And I'm at a loss for words.

It wasn't supposed to be you.

This holiday can never be the same. 
I'm sure in time I'll celebrate again 
But not without remembering 
This day. 
This moment. 
The pain I'm trying to drown until I'm left alone to grieve.

Words can never be a worthy enough tribute 
To who you are--were--and what you mean to me.

I miss you.

©

Grief hit me like a wave 
Swelling up on the typically calm shore.
But I don't know if I can surf today.
Regret sinks in the pit of my stomach 
Your voice echoing in my ears 
Deep breaths, just hold it together 
My lips are numb, this can't be real.

But it is.
And you're gone.

Fireworks lose their luster,
Dull against the dark of night. 
I hear the cheers, but I don't feel them. 
How can I when I just lost a piece of my heart?

I'm too young to have a funeral dress that has seen so much use.