observation.

I drove past this specific landmark today.
I pass it every day on my drive home.

Every day.

I see it at least 5 days a week.

It's easy to recognize in the city.
It's been there as long as I can remember.

Today, it caught my eye.

In front of the Methodist church on Shoreline/Ocean drive, there's this statue of Jesus on the boat, calming the storm.
A lot of people just refer to it as the "Jesus statue"
If you stop and look at it, you'll notice words engraved on the side.
I've seen them before, but can't remember them word for word.
Today, as I was driving by it yet again, my eye focused on part of it.

"Jesus said, 'Take heart...'"
It says more of the scripture, but that struck me.

I don't need the rest.
All I need to know is that the Lord of the universe, the One who created everything, even me and my complexities, who makes the flowers bloom and the rain fall, that He tells me to simply "take heart." To have hope, to trust Him, to not give up...
If He says it, I know it's meant.

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There are tons of things I need to learn
Tons I don't understand.
Sometimes my brain feels overwhelmed.
But, I keep going.

Sometimes I don't know why, yeally.
But I can't not.

I'm really hoping that soon, things will start to look up.
I'm at a place--a really good place, considering--where the place I'm at is what it is.

There are tons of dreams I have, tons of hopes I want to happen, tons of thoughts...
Holding them all for no seeming reason is getting difficult.

But, I have found home.
It's wherever that place is where my heart feels peace.
Be it in the dance studio, on m floor, little moments with people, lightning storms, whatever.

Those are the things I'll never forget.

They say scent is the biggest memory trigger.

I wish you could control it.
Today a lady walked in, and the smell she brought with her brought memories I haven't thought about in years
Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had to hold back tears.
so sudden...

She smelt like the house of friends of my parents.
The husband has since passed away.
He was one of my dad's best friends
I remember, he didn't cry that day.
My dad rarely cries...
I thought for sure this one would get him.
So many memories at their house all growing up.

I just wasn't expecting it.
My head is still spinning.

She told me:

you're like an artist.
When most people speak, they speak in black and white. But your words are like strokes of so many different colors. When I speak to you, I walk away with the whole picture, not just bits and pieces. It's beautiful.

Last month was rough.
Had it's victories and defeats.
And left the start of October with my head swirling.

But now, I'm taking my life back.
I'm doing what I need to for me.
I'm finding my center again.
Defining these lines.
Taking off the blinders.

It's not gonna be easy.
At all.
But it'll make me a better person.
So all the pain is worth it.

The Lord has been exploding my heart to things my mind can't even imagine.
And I'm so excited for it.
And humbled.
And honored.
And just every good emotion you can feel.

It's gonna be good.

Everything is happening so fast.
And I think my spirit knows more than my mind.

I want to fast forward past the next month
But, at the same time, I want to enjoy every moment of goodness in this madness.
Everything is changing.
But, it's not really bad.
I just can't let myself get overwhelmed that it's all different.

Right now, I just wish I knew where my journal from last year is...
I thought we unpacked all the boxes!

It's whatever.

I thought about writing in this blog.
But when I put my fingers to the keys, I can't bring myself to do it.

So many thoughts, so much emotion...
I've been here before
Numerous times.
And nothing good ever came out of it.
And I always ended up being to blame.

I just wish I knew what to do
How to fix this
How to stop caring.
How to not be afraid.
But I can't seem to figure that out.
So, it's just whatever.