Honesty.

Sometimes I feel like nothing.
Like I don't have anything to offer the world.
Like it doesn't really matter if I'm in people's live or not.

But at the same time, I'll feel guilty.
Because I can't be active in all the lives of the people I love.
And the last thing I want to do is hurt them.
But guilt can be overwhelming, telling me that's all I'm doing.

And this can lead to me feeling responsible,
Since I can't come up with any way to fix it.
And I just sit here, numb
mulling over all the things I did and what I could have done better
And does it even matter any more
Or is the damage already done?

Which leads to me secluding
Because I'm afraid to get close to anyone else.
I don't want to end up doing the same thing and hurting them, too.

I realized I find it easier to be friends with people I know are leaving
Or are limited.
Or whatever.
I know they'll leave.
We will still be friends after, but distance is expected.

I wish we could live with this mindset.
To never take a moment for granted
Because in a split second, everything could change on us
Leaving what is familiar to us now as just a distant memory.

My heart is heavy today
These are my honest confessions.

I like who I am.

I like me.
I like who I am.
How many people can actually say that?

Sure, I'm not perfect.
I have hurt people
I've said things I shouldn't have
I've not said things I should have said
I've failed.

But those aren't the things that define me.
I used to think they did, but the truth is the opposite.
Sometimes I think I can do better, sometimes I can do better
But I try my hardest to strive for my best every day.
To carry peace
To love while I have the time
To make sure people I come in contact with know they are loved.

I will fail, it's inevitable.
But if I succeed even once, it makes the effort worth it.

I like the people I have in my life.
I like what I choose to spend my time on.
I like my choices.

This isn't an over night thing
Oh no,
This is something I've been choosing my whole life.
And I don't regret a second.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense.
Sometimes it hurts to put so much out there
But it's worth it.

I guess I just want to feel relevant.




(More on this later.)

Lose Yourself. ©

There are days when you need fresh air to heal.
Overcast skies, breeze blowing through your hair.
You feel the clouds start to cry, close your eyes
Let the moment soak into your skin.

It feels like San Francisco
Where you can be a friend or just a face in the crowd.
In a city you don't know
You can be anything.
It feels like San Francisco
Where the pain is all too real.
But even if you could,
You don't want to leave.

Words buzzing around like flies caught in the screen door.
How did they end up there, where will they go?
Swing the door open, offer the freedom they need.

It feels like San Francisco
Where you can be a friend or just a face in the crowd.
In a city you don't know
You can be anything.
It feels like San Francisco
Where the pain is all too real.
But even if you could,
You don't want to leave.

Come here, go there, travel anywhere
No matter how hard you try, Honey
You can't escape
You can't escape yourself.

It feels like San Francisco
Where you can be a friend or just a face in the crowd.
In a city you don't know
You can be anything.
It feels like San Francisco
Where the pain is all too real.
But even if you could,
You don't want to leave.

Space.

Some days I just have less patience for people.
It's nothing personal,
But seriously, stop being an idiot.

Stop trying to "fix me,"
Or spouting off dumb reasons you think I'm acting this way to help it make sense to you.
Stop trying to fit me into a box.
It hasn't happened in 25 years; it's not gonna happen.

Quit trying to make me succumb to you and your plans.
I know what's best for me and you doing that is seen as invasive,
Even if your intentions are good.
It only makes me feel a tinge of guilt for the way I feel.
Which isn't fair.

So, if I'm distant, leave me alone.
If I'm quiet, don't talk to me.
Don't take it personally.

Chances are, efforts to try and do something to fix me will just result in me wanting to avoid you even more.

Stop.
Have a little respect and give me the space I ask for.

Human.

I am one person.
One human.
Sometimes everything life has to throw at me soars towards my face within moments of each other.
Sometimes I just don't know how to handle it.

So if I seem a little off.
If I get quiet.
If I can't seem to predict what is wrong with you and have a solution before you ask me.
If I take some time to respond.
If I seem to be avoiding you.
Please, understand I am human.

I have things that go wrong with me.
It takes me some time to process these things.
I have to take my health into consideration now.
And sometimes I just don't have time for anyone besides myself.
Not because I'm selfish.
No, simply because if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of others. There would be no me here to take care of others.

So, give me my space.
Get your nose out of my business.
If you're going to use words, make them kind.

In fact, that should be a common practice for you anyway.
Kind words can heal or hurt.
And we may not remember what they were, but we'll remember the feeling attached to them.

Maya Angelo introduced us to this generation to that concept.
She also died today.

Lyrics

"Beautiful Girl"

Unfurl your gown

A distant fuller skin

I knew you once

My God the sun

The windows bear your bones

Reveal your crime

Beautiful girl

Let the sunrise come again

Beautiful girl

Your sailor eyes

The water in the well

A thirst to fill

Let down your arms

The purging of this dark

The fall to free

Beautiful girl

Let the sunrise come again

Beautiful girl

May the weight of world resign

You will get better

I love this song. Especially when I'm feeling really sick and no one gets it.

I'll save my deep, inexpressible thoughts on it all for myself. Why put something beautiful out there that no one will understand enough to appreciate the true beauty of it, just to have it marred?

That'll be saved for my journal.