oh, you know, that moment when you feel absolutely ridiculous so all you do is cry on your bedroom floor because you don't know what else to do.
What's worse is knowing that you knew better. That it would turn out the way it did. Even preparing for the inevitable, and then it twists to still be the inevitable, but in ways that cut deeper.
And it's all part of the lesson you're supposed to be learning.
No? Just me?
well then, just carry on as usual.
Nothing to see here.

sigh.

Oh these lessons in life.
I'm grateful to be learning.
These are just the difficult ones
You know, the ones that go deep down to the very root.
Challenging ways I've lived my entire live and trying to reroute and re mold it all.
It's difficult.
Even more so knowing that I have to learn it alone.
Not that I don't have people more than willing to be here for me
That's just part of the lesson.
Honestly, I hate it.
I don't want to be in this.
I don't want to have to learn all of this. I want to fast forward. And if I can't do that, I want to hide until it's over.
Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to learn this way? It hurts. It's not easy.
Exactly.
Without pain, there wouldn't be much learning, now would there?
no.
So when the voices scream in my ear, telling me I'm nothing, I'm not loved, I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm forgotten and replaced. Trying to convince me that I'm completely alone. That I'll always be alone. That no one cares that I'm still here
I can fight.

I need to grow in confidence.
A seemingly simple lesson, yes.
Yet, here I am.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really my lesson to be learned, or just pain being bestowed upon me and covered up with "you need to change"
but, I don't think that's the case.
Regardless, it does me good to get better.
I'm paranoid. That needs to stop.
Where did my trust go? Where is my confidence?
My ability to sit in a room all alone and not be freaking out or anxious or completely crushed.
Things need to change.
I just wish I fully knew and understood how.

*shrug*
oh well

Learning

I know life is one extended learning process, but I'm really learning here lately.
Usually my life lessons come with the guidance of a friend, holding my hand, telling me I'll be okay.
This time around, here lately, I've been realizing that I don't have that luxury anymore. And I think that is the lesson.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends willing to hold my hand and reassure me, but I'm just not allowed to use it this time. There's certain things I can't disclose to be able to get the help of a friend.
So, here I am. On my own.
But it's good. I need to learn it.

I still don't feel 100% settled. It'll probably help whenever I'm fully moved over here, but then again, will it?
I don't know.
I don't know what I need to make myself feel settled.
I tell myself that I need to take time just for me. Get stuff done, just be.
But, when I try and do that, I'm longing so much to be with the people I care about most.
Maybe it's the fact that I don't really have a set schedule. And that right now is a little more intense because of how busy  my schedule is.
Heck, I don't know.

What I do know is that I have life, and I want to live it.
I want to be afraid less, I want to love more.
I want to learn.
I want to cry when I'm sad, and laugh when I'm amused
No apologies.

oh, life. you're so funny.
all these twists. unknowns. randoms.
hahahahahahaha
of course, on a week like this.
what am I to do?
what do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
hellephino!

I feel like this new step holds more than I realize.
Change usually all happens at once for me--more than one thing changing at a time.
But this one seems difference.

It's like I'm staring my past in the face and screaming, "You don't define me."
I have my "adult" job, now.
And even though it is scaring the crap out of me, it feels right.
Like there's something in this that I can't see but that I need to learn for whatever God has for me next.
It's kinda cool, actually.
To know that even though I don't understand why I'm here, I can rest in the fact that He does.
I mean, I've done things I didn't understand several times before
But this time I'm actually resting in the fact that He holds my heart.

I love it.
and I'm more grateful than words can ever say for the friends I have in my life.
they have encouraged me so much today as I was so nervous. It brought me to tears multiple times.
I don't think they realize what I was experiencing and what their encouragement really did for me.

oh, life. you're so silly.
But you're a flower about to bloom.

I'm Naked.

I'm naked, and I like it.
Let me explain.

Things I've posted on here about things I'm learning I need to change in myself; I have learned when I post about them here, it sets.
Being naked--being completely honest about my faults and shortcomings--really shows me ways to fix them.
Example. I once posted about how I lacked confidence. That post comes back to me every time I feel like I don't have any. That there's nothing good to me. I remember what God had showed me that I posted about, and I remember a comment my friend posted encouraging me. And I trust that what he says is true. Now, I have way more confidence, and it shows. And I am so grateful.

So what am I learning now?
Fear is stupid.
What is the point? I get myself all worked up and terrified about something that is completely in my head. I know it's not true, I know it's not going to happen, and even if it did, it wouldn't be new and I know the Lord is never going to fail me. So what is there really to be afraid of?
Same with control. I always want to have control of situations, and be prepared and do all I can. Sometimes, there's going to be nothing I can do. Nothing but trust.
This was easier said than understood.
But yesterday I did all my 5-year-old crying (those of you who know me know that this is a new thing to me. I don't usually cry. Long story on that) and today I'm able to see the areas I need to improve in, how to do that, where I'm wrong, and where I just have to trust.
And that not knowing everything, not having it all together... that's okay. I don't have to.
So, I'm being naked about all that, in hopes it sinks in and takes root, and that the next time I'm scared out of my wits and want to desperately take control, I'll remember that all I really need to do is take a step back and evaluate what is fact, what is fear, and where I need to just trust.
God has never failed me, why would He now?
I can't say that about anyone else. I'd say that makes His reputation a pretty awesome one.

it's funny how my life works.
I'm a different breed, that's for sure.
I like to plan, but I almost never get to.
I'll be here...
waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
...waiting... waaaaaiting....
waiting, waiting, waitBAM! Answer!
then I'm so uncertain because what I was waiting for happened so suddenly.
hah
I should be used to it.
Even though this seems like a crazy way to live,
I wouldn't have it any other way