Thoughts.

I've been in a passive, introverted state lately.
Not that I don't like the season I'm in now
Or where my life is going
Because I do.
But sometimes, I miss my mom.
And my dad, and sister, and brother in law
Sometimes I miss driving around that small town
Sitting in my favorite cemetery
Picking dog hair off of everything.
Living in the middle of no where

Maybe it's just because everything is so different right now
And that I don't really have anything solid or predictable.
I'm learning to make new predictables.

I haven't journaled in I don't know how long
Honestly, I'm not even sure where my journal is.
I sit back and try and comprehend everything
But it seems impossible
So, I purpose in my mind not to let myself get overwhelmed
Or fearful.

I'm just trying to find myself in this big, crazy world.

Brain.

I can't let me brain get to me.
Convincing me of things I know to be lies.
Emotions that want to take over
Feelings that want to be hurt.

But, I know there are different things that I am learning
And my life is taking another turn.
That I'm seeing people differently
In a good way
That I can't be too concerned or scared or worried about what they think, if I'm liked or accepted.
God loves and accepts me.
That is all that truly matters.

So, if I'm close to those people my heart has this little longing to spend time with or not, it'll be oaky.
I can't get worked up over it like my flesh wants to.

Keep strong and carry one.

Why is it.

Why is it when I'm not feeling too well is when I feel closer to God?
My head is all spacey, I can't hear out of my right ear, I'm blowing my nose every 30 seconds...
Yet, I feel closer to God.

Some people may think God gives them sickness
I know He doesn't
And I also know He doesn't leave me in it.

Maybe that's why I seem to feel Him closer.
Because in the rough, dark, hard times
It just makes it easier to prove Him.

so.

Medication is stupid.
I'm sure it's helping.
But.
At first it made it worse.
Because I was told to take the wrong stuff.
So, now, I'm on four different medications
And I will be around a lot of people tonight.

It's bound to get entertaining.

fact.

Dying is the easy part.
It's living that takes courage.

Hate.

Just spilled out my guts.
For over an hour.
To have the computer be stupid.
and not post it.

I'm so angry.

Emotional.

I've come to realize that people who cry kinda frustrate me.

I use the term "frustrate" in many different senses.

Good and bad.



I've noticed that recently when someones been talking about something that brings them to tears, it makes me categorize them.

Pathetic
Over-Dramatic

Annoying

here-we-go-again

and the occasional one that grips my heart strings.



It's been mostly a subconscious thing

I guess it's always been a norm for me

But I never really noticed it.

Until recently.



I was sitting in a room full of girls. For a Bible study.

It ended up turning into a room full of tears as girls poured out their hearts

and, of course, cried.



I got all tense, kinda shut everyone out but didn't really want to be rude, so I paid attention a little bit...

Then

I sat back.

And took a few steps back.

Why the heck am I being like this?



First of all, I'm not better than any of these other girls.

That's apparently some stupid mindset I've gotten myself almost convinced of.

And it needs to die.



I guess I'm afraid that I'm nothing, so if I make convince myself I'm better than someone then I have to be something. Right?

Wrong.

You end up a nothing. Alone. With no friends

and when you have a really crappy day, no one cares

And you've built up this happy wall that no one truly sees through

So you're just stuck.

And it's your own darn fault.



Second, It's okay to share your heart.

I guess I've confused myself.

Reminding myself that there are people who know everything about me.

Granted. There's one thing I don't really talk about. Maybe... two people know? I think just two.

One is family, the other I rarely speak to anymore (sadly)

We still keep up randomly, but not as often as I'd prefer...

Anyways.

It's so not spoken of, I kind of convince myself it doesn't exist.

Hah.

Anyways

There are a lot of people I'm "shared my heart" with

And the numbers seem to be increasing.

This made me feel dirty.

Incomplete.

Why am I telling so many people these intimate details about me?

Because I want to be understood?

Because they ask?

Because I feel it may help the situation?

Who am I kidding?



No one understands me.

This is just how it is.

I feel like I keep trying to fill this void.

And that I try and keep myself completely busy

So I don't have time to think

Or feel.

Or recognize reality.

And that this cycle of business started long ago, and now I can't seem to stop it.

And I feel overwhelmed.

But, maybe I like to feel overwhelmed.

Maybe it's one of the only normals I can seem to grasp.



All my normals seem to have disappeared.



The Bible says to guard your heart.

It's something I've told many girls, and guys too.

Mostly in reference to relationships, like, dating ones.

But maybe I should take my own advice.

I need to guard my heart against people.

And not be just blurting to everyone and their second cousin about every little intimate detail about me.

I think I do it because I tell one person, in hopes they'll understand.

Then

When they don't

I try to find someone else who might.

Or I get screwed over by someone I was close to.

And then I feel super empty

Or then change happens

and happens

and happens again

and I feel like my head is spinning

and I'm not sure what to think

or feel.



Then I complicate things.



I'm not sure what I need to recognize or believe with this one.

I know it's not good to keep things in

and trusting people is important

but I can't seem to find the balance.

I'm an extremist.

Happy-mediums are complex to me.

And I'm super hard on myself

As proved today.

When I got so nervous I seemed to have misplaced my brain when my boss was around, and messed up worse then ever, and choked.

I choked.

She recognized it.

I felt even more stupid

tried to play it off

then fought with my brain and everything it was telling me

about how people are probably talking about me

who am I anyway

who am I kidding?



anyways.

So, I still have to work on that one



But, feeling is okay.

Crying, even, is okay...

God is emotional, afterall.

Someone mentioned that in Bible study tonight.

How God is an emotional Being

And how He created us to have emotions.

I tried to remember the one-sentence summary they gave to all these thoughts in my head about it, but the point is, it made sense.



It's okay to cry.

It's okay to feel.



I preach it to everyone else all day.

Sometimes I need to preach it to myself.



I just don't want to seem needy

Or weak

Or incapable

Or a bajillion other things my brain tells me.



I probably need to slow down long enough to let myself feel.



I think I'm afraid.



So, why am I spilling out all of this onto this blog

Knowing anyone can read it

and more than likely someone will who I wouldn't really care to know and would never think of telling?



Well...

I don't know.



Maybe simply because it's faster to type than try and get it all down on paper.



I haven't journaled in too long.



I need to just stop time.

Just. Be.

re-group.

re-gain my thoughts.



I think right now I'm not being affective to anyone.

who am I kidding.