Luke 2:19 -- But Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.
One version says "treasured."

Mary kept the things in her heart--to herself--and treasured them.

This scripture is one that is often at the back of my mind.
There are many things that I have been told that aren't necessarily to be shared. Sure, they can be great and exciting, but timing is everything.
You don't want to tell everyone... for one thing, you could come across as proud or snotty or whatever, and completely negate the point of what God wants to do with you or through you.

Also, not everyone will believe you.

When it's something God is doing, it'll happen. He'll do it. He'll find a way. Heck, He'll make a way.
When something like that is so sensitive on your heart, you can't afford negativity. 
Ponder those things in your heart. Treasure them.
They aren't things to be thrown around.
They have value.
Far exceeding temporary riches here.

The things the Lord tells you are eternal.
They last forever.
They won't wear out, they won't expire.

Treat the knowledge of the Lord with care.
It is a gift.
Guard it.
And when it comes time, use and utilize it.

Trust Him and His timing. 
He loves you.

"I love you, even though I don't ever see you."

"I love you, even though I don't ever see you."

I was told this today.
And honestly, even though it was intended to be an extension of love and care and all that, it struck me as immature and made me glad that I have distanced from this person.

"I love you, even though I don't ever see you."

If you were to only love me because you saw me, what kind of love would that be?
It wouldn't.
It would be convenience.
It would be selfish.
It would be shallow.
It wouldn't be any kind of love I would want.

I think that's a fact that's lost in this day and age...
Distance happens
Patience is needed
You're not always gonna get what you want.
Sometimes life is uncomfortable.

But if you can live life knowing these things, I think you can spare yourself a lot of heart break.

The friendships I have now are ones that I know will hold up if one of us ends up moving.
Which, wouldn't you know it, is happening.
Almost all of my friends move. Literally. And if they don't move, they get married. Or both.
They get married and move.
And if you're not prepared for that, it can completely alter the friendship, and even leave it broken.

You have to be able to function without instant gratification.
It has to go deep enough to where you can trust that even if you don't see them or hear it all the time, they care about you, they love you, they like being your friend.
If not, it will self destruct.

You'll over think.
You'll assume.
Conclusions will be jumped to that will inadvertently destroy the relationship.

Sometimes you can come back from these.
You learn, you grow.
But, sometimes you just can't.

Unless both parties are willing to learn, grow, admit fault when needed, etc, it's doomed to fail.

Now, this isn't any reason to just be a loner forever.
That would suck.
No, it's just an example on why you shouldn't just throw love around.

Okay, wait. You should love everyone. Love is great. You should treat everyone with kindness whether they are deserving or not.
But as for who you should confide in, who you should let walk with life along side of you, who you should let be your "person," that should take a little more thought and consideration.

I don't like throwing around the term "best friend." I think it's over used and worn out. People are so quick to use it and throw it around when they don't even know the person, or use it as this great crowning glory that make the people who really matter feel like crap.

Because the people who really matter will be there when the "Best Friend" can't fix you any more, or when they get married, or when they aren't around anymore and feel like that dictates love.

My love language is quality time, meaning I feel the most love when you spend time with me. But I am very aware that time is not the definition of love. Rather, if you really love someone, you will spend time on them. Not necessarily with them.
I don't even get to talk to my closest friends all the time. But I know if I need something, they're there. If I had a bad day, they're at my door step with flowers, juice pouches, and inside jokes. If they see something that makes them think of me, they let me know (that is if they didn't buy it.) We make time for each other when we can, but we don't get bent out of shape if we can't.
It's like family. You know they'll always be there. (I know some families aren't like this, which makes my heart really sad... Because that, I think, is the most beautiful part of family. That even if you argue or have your falling out, they're there when you need them. No matter what.)

If someone really loves you, they'll love you even if they can't see you, if they don't hear from you, if you say something that offends them, if you forget to text them back, if you have to postpone plans, if you start hanging out with someone else. Because they know that when they can see you, it'll be worth it. That you'll be there when they need you. That those things I say, they've probably said something similar to you. That the plans will be even better when they do happen, and that no one can take their place.

It makes their words, time, considerations, and everything else that much sweeter. Because you know it's not forced, but from the heart. Because it's there when you need it, not because you demanded it.
You don't have to be afraid of what will happen when you let go, because you don't have to have a death grip on them to make them stay.
They stay because they want to.
Because they like you.
For who you are, not for what you can do for them.
They talk to you because they want to, not because they have to.

"I love you, even though I don't ever see you."

Actions speak louder than those words ever will.

(and that was deja vu.)

There's something about spending time with someone who was there when you were born...

My family went to have lunch with a lady from our church today. She's recently a widow, and  I've known that her family has known my family for a while, (since her husband worked with my Dad) but I guess I didn't really realize or fully grasp how long. I remember them from when I was a kid, and knew they moved back recently when they started going to my parent's church again and I would see them when I visited.
I remember the first time I saw them again, Mr. Michael hugged me with tears in his eyes. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me his was so proud of me.
It wasn't a couple months later that he died of complications from a heart attack.
I've since started coming back to my parents church now that I've moved back into town, and I've seen Ms. Sally and spoken to her a few times. I don't think she recognized me at first, not as her husband had, at least.
She made chili last week and invited us over, but mom had just made chili too, so we decided to wait til this week with hopes that the coming cold front would give us better weather for the dish. Her kindness was so gentle, I know it meant as much to my family to be there as it did to her to have us.
We shared stories and laughs, that's when my sister and I found out she was there when we were born. They actually moved 2 months after I was born, to which we would visit them as I got older. I remembered them, vaguely.
As we left 4 hours later, she told me, "It was such a joy to get to know you a little better! I know your sister, but I didn't really know much about you, and I absolutely loved getting to!"

There's something about spending time with someone who was there when you were born...
To have them meet you when you're an adult, and like who you are.

This is a sign of a life well lived.

New year recap.

Not gonna lie, pretty glad this year is coming to an end.
Its had its bright moments, dont get me wrong: dancing on pointe, getting to know my name twin, getting a new job I actually enjoy. But theres been plenty of stuff im happy to leave behind: broken (albeit, closed and kinda mended I guess) friendships, injuries galore, removed gallbladder,  people got mad at me and im sure some feelings were hurt. But, ya know what, this year was great for me,
I found myself in the darkest pit ive ever been in, but I found my way out.
Ive been rejected,  disowned, and stomped all over, but I learned who I truly am and what is important in life.
Ive been tested in my faith in God, and He has proved Himself time and time again.
Hes shown me and taught me more than I could have ever hoped.
To think of where I was at this point last year and where I am now, im grateful.
Ive been drug through hell, but ive been refined in the fire I walked through.

Bring it, 2014.
If God is for me, who cares whats against me.

Well, this got extensive.

Sometimes, I feel this way.
When certain things line up just right,
My brain starts turning, but at the same time its silent.
It's my spirit that does most of the speaking.
But if i try to put it into words other people could understand,  I would inevitability fall short.
There are no words.

But these moments when im enveloped in this thick, undeniable knowing happen too often to not at least document their presence. 

Im inspired. 
I feel deeply.
Tears sometimes roll with out sorrow or explanation. 
They just are.

This vast understanding,  something deep within my being, having been there since I was a child, since I was able to choose it, to know thisnis what I wanted.
Ive accepted the hardships that come with it. They pale in comparison anyway.  What do hardships matter in the light of eternal glory? Not my glory, but glory to and of the only One deserving. 

Its these moment where explanation is nonexistent that I feel most inclined to write.
To express.
To document.

Its like im aware what part of life we're in, what we have ahead of us to face. Its like ive known all throughout that this story line was special.  I didn't know the outcome,  I even thought I had answers that turned out to be false. But all that comes out in the wash.

Other stories, be they fact or fiction,  where the characters and storyline coincide with mine tend to spur on these days of unexplanation.
I identify with them.
Im given proof and fact that the story my life tells is not one in vain.
That all this isnt crazy,
That what I sense and feel is real.
That this is deeper than human words can explain,  because even if they could, the human mind can't fully understand it. Its too vast, too incredible. This life is more than what meets the eye.
Humans can gets glimpses.  They can be told, but never fully understand until its experienced. When the time is right.
I think thats how sometimes people notice an unexplainable difference in me. So unexplainable that some just dont know how to handle me.
But those that do... they get it. They feel it . They sense it.
They work on the same level I find my heart dwelling in.

Its not scary, though some may think it such.
Its beautiful. 

One day my life will make sense.
My thoughts,
My words,
My actions.
Like a novel series with hints of the end intertwined all throughout, yet letting the story write itself. Aware of the depth,  but unable to reveal it until the time is right.

There will be pain.
There will be loss,
Even death.
It won't be easy.
But through the Sacrifice comes the victory.

(These are my thoughts after watchin harry potter again and identifying with the story in a way parallel to Jesus and what Hes got planned for us. Also, while listening to Luke sital-singh's tornado ep. I know more than I am able to say, and each day is lived in obedience to Jesus whether it makes sense or not. My heart trusts in Him. He will not lead me wrong.)

I.
Have.
So.
Many.
Blogs.

oh life, how you're so funny.

Always has a way of working out.
And getting complicated again.
And working out again.
And so on.

Might as well just keep my chin up and carry on.

I can't depend on people like my heart longs to.
That's okay.
I gotta realize why I do things, and do them for me.
I gotta look into them and see what the Lord is showing me through it.

He's on my side.
It's all gonna be okay



(ps. really wanted to write today. Had one of those words-are-heavy-on-my-heart-and-want-to-be-expressed days, but I can't seem to get them in the right order. meh.)