I hate that I get jealous and territorial.
I hate that I can't seem to find contentment.
I hate that I let these things bother me
That I let them consume my thoughts.

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin
That I'm going to explode from the inside out
Like any move I make in any direction will be the wrong one.

I just want to "be" where I am
Not wishing I was somewhere else
Be there. While I'm there. Enjoying the moments I have.
I don't want my mind to be consumed with wishes and regrets and fears.

I need to figure out how to shake this.
I need confidence.
I need contentment.
I need to learn to trust...

Things have been downloading pretty heavily on me recently.
In a good way.
The moments I have are being filled in beautiful ways
Ways I couldn't express my gratitude for enough

I want to make and create as much as I can.
I'm looking up new patterns for blankets
Because these things will be here waaay longer than I will.
It's difficult, but I want to try and conquer this task. It's important to me.
But, now that it's burning on my heart, I have to wait.
which, I don't like.
But that's okay.
Cause a few hours isn't anything.

It'll be worth it. And awesome.

The past few days, it seems that everyone is complimenting me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it--it's really nice to have people make you feel loved and appreciated and like you matter and mean something--it just strikes me as odd that so many people are all doing this at once.
I feel almost like a celebrity.

I'm not that big of a deal. I'm really nothing. The only thing that's good in me is Christ.

I do sincerely cherish every single one of these comments and compliments... I have even been writing them down. I wish they were in writing so I could hang them around my room. I may write them down myself and hang them around my room anyway.

<3

Truth.

I never know how to answer the question
"what have you been up to lately?"
or anything similar to it.

I usually lie.
But I'm always wondering if they see right through me.

the ironic timing of these songs still surprises me.
I'll either know what it is before it plays
be singing the line right before the song even starts
think "this song should come on next" and it does
have a thought with a line similar to the one in the song right before it starts
be thinking about the topic of the song before the song.

tonights?

If I die young.

I'm not sure what to think.
I'm not sure what to feel.
As soon as I find myself getting confident, everything I was confident about gets thrown in my face.
Out of no where.
So, I sit here.
Completely clueless.

And I hate it, because I can't hide it.
And everyone seems to like to ask me questions
and want to know why I'm not okay
And I don't want to tell everyone
I want to be invisible.

But, that's impossible.
And I can't just hide, because I have responsibilities.

I want to scream.
I want to scream until my throat is sore.
I want to know what in the world is going on and what I can do to fix it
I want to know what's okay and what's not
What's me and what's other people.
What's acceptable, what's just being tolerated and what I need to fix.

When did life get this complicated?
I hate this feeling that I'm fighting.
It's ugly.
Probably green.
With red eyes.
And it's relentless.
No amount of sleep and chocolate seems to be able to fix it
Tears seem pointless, too.
but crying is about all I can do right now.







sigh.

I should stop thinking.

I think I am fighting depression.
Not that I am depressed, because I'm not
But I am fighting it.
And I think it is the hardest when I think too much.
I can get really discouraged. Possibly because I am such a dreamer. When I "wake up" from these dreams, and I see that I merely have reality, I get discouraged. I begin to think that these dreams will never happen, that I'm doomed to always be where I am.
But I'm not.
I know this.
I have hope and I know that God doesn't fail me.
It's just some nights I can't appreciate what I have. I have to work towards it. To remind myself of the beauty I have at my disposal. And not just wish my life away.
Something I told Ashley has stuck with me,
"You should enjoy the days you have or else you'll go crazy waiting for the ones you want."
It's funny how as soon as words leave your mouth, you're tested on what you said.

So true.
So, I'm teaching myself that right now
Also trying to figure out how to take more time for myself right now instead of waiting for when it's easy.
And how to take steps to do things that make me feel better about myself.
Trying on bridesmaids dresses that show my I-once-was-fat knees takes a toll on ones confidence.

Still have to figure out how all that is gonna work.

yet, I'm hopeful.
Life is good.