Maybe I just shouldn't talk to anyone about anything.
Everything works out, anyway.
Why waste the time of talking about it.
It only makes people know, and then they state their opinions...
And when everything works out, you feel stupid.
I don't understand this crazy life we live in
And as soon as I think I do, everything changes.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Understood.
I feel different.
And as I look back on the last few days, I can see it.
I don't understand it.
I wish I did.
It leaves me feeling frustrated.
It leaves me crying.
Crying out, for some form of answer
Some form of solution.
But, honestly, if I found the answer and solution I seem to long for
what would I do with it?
Would I be satisfied?
I never seem to be.
Where is happiness?
Is it in having everyone happy with me?
In doing my best to please them all?
No.
I know this isn't it.
But, somewhere deep engrained in me is the desire to make other people happy.
That's what I find makes me feel better on hard days.
But, then I come across the pain of when they are no longer in my life...
Sometimes people do that.
Or, I've been hurt by so many people.
Or I'll have these expectations for them, and when they don't reach it, I get so disappointed...
My heart breaks.
I'm torn.
There's so much change going on in my life.
I feel like everything is being shaken and I can't find my footing.
I just fall to the floor, crying.
I've been crying more lately.
Obviously.
But if asked why
What made me cry?
I'd have no answer.
Just,
My heart hurts.
And I don't understand it.
And as I look back on the last few days, I can see it.
I don't understand it.
I wish I did.
It leaves me feeling frustrated.
It leaves me crying.
Crying out, for some form of answer
Some form of solution.
But, honestly, if I found the answer and solution I seem to long for
what would I do with it?
Would I be satisfied?
I never seem to be.
Where is happiness?
Is it in having everyone happy with me?
In doing my best to please them all?
No.
I know this isn't it.
But, somewhere deep engrained in me is the desire to make other people happy.
That's what I find makes me feel better on hard days.
But, then I come across the pain of when they are no longer in my life...
Sometimes people do that.
Or, I've been hurt by so many people.
Or I'll have these expectations for them, and when they don't reach it, I get so disappointed...
My heart breaks.
I'm torn.
There's so much change going on in my life.
I feel like everything is being shaken and I can't find my footing.
I just fall to the floor, crying.
I've been crying more lately.
Obviously.
But if asked why
What made me cry?
I'd have no answer.
Just,
My heart hurts.
And I don't understand it.
I am such a mess.
I find myself crying, and I have no idea what for.
My heart feels so heavy sometimes
That all I can think to do is breakdown.
And I do it without thinking.
It's like some tragedy should be occurring.
Like I should be coping.
Maybe it's the tragedy of my generation
Feeling the weight of their blindness...
My heart is broken.
Awake! Awake, oh sleepers!!
I find myself crying, and I have no idea what for.
My heart feels so heavy sometimes
That all I can think to do is breakdown.
And I do it without thinking.
It's like some tragedy should be occurring.
Like I should be coping.
Maybe it's the tragedy of my generation
Feeling the weight of their blindness...
My heart is broken.
Awake! Awake, oh sleepers!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Provider.
Jimmy: I'm trying to win some money so I can help you out.
Me: You don't have to do that, Jimmy...
Jimmy: But I want to. You're my favorite.
Que me choking up.
It's funny, you know, how people are afraid to follow God.
I find it to be the most rewarding thing.
Some people are afraid because they can't see how it will work out.
It doesn't make sense in your head.
But, I think that ends up being the best part.
Just, living life, doing what you're suppose to.
Something happens that can stress you out, but instead you compose yourself and remind yourself of the promise God gave you before stepping out
Then watching Him work.
In little ways.
Ways you would have never expected.
It's the most rewarding thing anyone could ever ask for.
Me: You don't have to do that, Jimmy...
Jimmy: But I want to. You're my favorite.
Que me choking up.
It's funny, you know, how people are afraid to follow God.
I find it to be the most rewarding thing.
Some people are afraid because they can't see how it will work out.
It doesn't make sense in your head.
But, I think that ends up being the best part.
Just, living life, doing what you're suppose to.
Something happens that can stress you out, but instead you compose yourself and remind yourself of the promise God gave you before stepping out
Then watching Him work.
In little ways.
Ways you would have never expected.
It's the most rewarding thing anyone could ever ask for.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Martyr's Song.
I read this book by Ted Dekker.
It was a Half Price Books find that I picked up.
My dad was looking for new authors. He's an avid reader, and has read all of his book numerous times. I had remembered my SA at TBI reading books by him, so I was looking for him for my dad.
I didn't know it was part of a series until I read the forward that said you didn't have to read them in any certain order.
Good thing, because I didn't.
It was actually a short read.
A short read that leaves you floored.
Really, I don't even know what to think or feel right now.
The book comes with a CD.
In the book, there's a song.
I'll try not to say anymore so I don't ruin the book, although I don't think it would ruin it...
But, the song is one that Todd Agnew recorded with The Martyr's Song in it.
I popped it in after reading the book.
It starts with the chorus that you read in the book.
"Sing, O son of Zion
Shout, O child of mine
Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind."
As I heard the song, I could have sang along.
But, I've never heard the song.
I remember finding it on Itunes before
but I don't ever remember hearing the chorus...
I just bought the other books in the series on Amazon.
It was a Half Price Books find that I picked up.
My dad was looking for new authors. He's an avid reader, and has read all of his book numerous times. I had remembered my SA at TBI reading books by him, so I was looking for him for my dad.
I didn't know it was part of a series until I read the forward that said you didn't have to read them in any certain order.
Good thing, because I didn't.
It was actually a short read.
A short read that leaves you floored.
Really, I don't even know what to think or feel right now.
The book comes with a CD.
In the book, there's a song.
I'll try not to say anymore so I don't ruin the book, although I don't think it would ruin it...
But, the song is one that Todd Agnew recorded with The Martyr's Song in it.
I popped it in after reading the book.
It starts with the chorus that you read in the book.
"Sing, O son of Zion
Shout, O child of mine
Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind."
As I heard the song, I could have sang along.
But, I've never heard the song.
I remember finding it on Itunes before
but I don't ever remember hearing the chorus...
I just bought the other books in the series on Amazon.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
There are moments where I find myself looking around wherever I am
And just smiling.
It's moments like these that get me through life.
Honestly, things have been hard.
I've been pretty down
Trying to keep my head above water.
And it's noticing these little moments that make life worth it.
I hope the people that make these moments possible realize what they mean to me.
And just smiling.
It's moments like these that get me through life.
Honestly, things have been hard.
I've been pretty down
Trying to keep my head above water.
And it's noticing these little moments that make life worth it.
I hope the people that make these moments possible realize what they mean to me.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
God has blessed me with some unexplainabley wonderful people in my life
These people, I like to call my "Friends."
And they deserve that title to the utmost extent that is possible to be formed.
It's so comforting to have people that care enough about you to pray for you, even if they haven't seen you in months and may not know what's going on entirely. They still let you squeeze the mess out of their hand and hold you while you're crying so much that snot is running down your face.
<3
Thank You, God, for boldness.
These people, I like to call my "Friends."
And they deserve that title to the utmost extent that is possible to be formed.
It's so comforting to have people that care enough about you to pray for you, even if they haven't seen you in months and may not know what's going on entirely. They still let you squeeze the mess out of their hand and hold you while you're crying so much that snot is running down your face.
<3
Thank You, God, for boldness.
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