The one thing that I feel I get run over for is the only thing that seems to set me apart.

If there's anything good about me that people can say, it's how I'm always flexible or whatever.
If they need me, I'm there.
And I generally don't cmplain.

Well, it's getting to me right about now
And I don't know what I can do about it.

I don't want to say anything, because I dread that voice, and that look.
I feel helpless and defenseless.
And not understood.

I'm tired.
I just want to be happy.
But I feel like I can't live my life
I feel like I have to always have it open to be able to jump when asked.
Sure, I've said no.
But there are some things that just feel out of my control.

This is really inconvenient for me.
But, what can I do?

I feel like I've been deceived.
So why did I buy in?

I could have sworn God was leading me
Maybe this is just a bit of hardships that I have to endure
Maybe things will get better...
But what about all this time and all these opportunities I feel like I'm losing?

I'm scared.
So, I sacrifice my happiness for security.
Maybe one day, I will have endured all this
And I can have both.

Until then, I make the most of what I can.

Confidence.

Everything I'm facing can be summed up in one word.
Confidence.
I need to have more of this.
It would fix so much.

It's a work in progress
And I've got some pretty deep roots to pull up
But, from what I have considered, it will be deeply worth it.

It's like I can feel the difference in the mindset
Like they are tangible.
Two different worlds, almost
Like the first is this happy, wonderful place
But I seem to sink into the second, depressing, worried, insecure world
The world I don't belong in.

I'm getting out of this world.

I'm beginning to believe that this is bigger than me.

I'm trying to fight of these thoughts.
Thoughts that I don't know how to explain
Because they really don't make sense to me either.

There are people I long to be close to
To get to know on a deeper level.
But, I fight it.
Because, the timing isn't right
Or, something.
I'm not entirely sure.

I keep telling myself
"You have to make yourself missed"
That if I'm always there, then people don't have any time to miss me.
To appreciate who I am in their life.
I'm just predictable.

Days like this make me ache for expression
I long to create something that gets everything that is inside of me out
That helps express who I am
To show the world.

Maybe one day this will all make sense.
Maybe one day I'll make sense...

I can only hope.

meh.

My scars are disappearing...
This really makes me sad.
the end.

I feel like...

I feel like
Everything I know is changing.
Like I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse
Spending more time by myself
Not really wanting to be around many people.
I've been really missing my family a lot.

I don't really know what all this is about.
I'm not really sure what to think.
I get my fair share of people
But I haven't really been talking as much
And, I've noticed...
I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into some things.
Maybe there's really nothing wrong, maybe I just need some time
And space.

Sometimes I wish I could move
Or check myself into some facility
Just to get away
To get a fresh start.
To maybe get some answers
Some wisdom.

But, I know that wouldn't help.

There's a lot of nonsense going through my head that I have to dismiss.
A bunch of crap.
I'm just ready for whatever's next
But I don't want to miss out on what I have now.

meh.
whatev.

Big news.

Well, I guess it's potentionally big.
kinda scary.

Who do I tell?

Not the normal people I'd expect.
My co-worker, of course.
I can give her small little tidbits, and that's all it takes for her to get it.
I don't need words to help me

I think that's my problem.
I keep searching and searching for someone to understand me
Someone to fill this aching I can't seem to shake.
I never expected to feel this.
Especially having Christ in my life.
Maybe I need to take a step or two back
re-evaluate where He stands in my life, just keep making sure He's still first.
Set priorities.
A little extra time never hurt.

So that's what I did today
And it felt great.
Why don't I do this more?
Maybe I should
I can make excuses all I want with
"It'll be easier when we move into the house"
or, whatever.
Excuses don't really get you anywhere.

I'll be fine
I need to learn to not depend so much on people.
I just need to depend on God
:)

Love.

So.
I have my brother.
My whole life I remember hearing about him
But, I never knew him.

I also heard of my Grandma
She died before I was born
And I guess in my mind, there was no difference between the two.
I would say my brother is alive
But, when it came down to it, I had never seen him
Never heard his voice
Never seen his face.
He was just like a fairytale
A nice story about the brother I always dreamed of.

This weekend, I found him online, and made the first contact with him of my life.
I saw pictures of him.
He knows who I am
He's not just a story anymore.

I was so happy.
I felt a depth of happiness that I don't know if I have ever experienced before.
I cried.
Tears of joy.
Then, it would hit me in ways
Sometimes, I'd squeal
Sometimes, I'd jump up in down
Sometimes, I'd tear up
Sometimes, I'd say, "I have a brother!!"

I think this is how some people view God.
He's just some story they've heard their whole lives
But, when you search for Him
When you reach out
He meets you there
And He will communicate with you
and show you His face
and His heart
and when you experience that, you can't contain it

It's a beautiful thing.

Also, I think this is how God feels when we reach out
So happy that we have chosen Him.
After all His years of waiting.

This beautiful imagry brought tears to my eyes.
I'm overwhelmed, in a good way.