Brother.

I really just want to break down and cry right now.
My heart hurts so badly...

I found my brother on facebook.
I've never met him. I don't even know for sure if he knows about me
I would assume he does.
I sent the friend request, not thinking anything of it.
He accepted it.

Dang, really? That easy? I wonder if he realizes who I am.
I guess he does.

I check out his page
wondering if my sister has a facebook
I haven't seen her since I was about 4 years old.
My eyes tear up to see his face.
He looks so much like my Dad.
That's when I see
He's in a relationship.
With a guy.

I didn't see that one coming.
My heart shatters on the floor...
How could someone in my own family be gay?
No one else is
Was it because of the absence of my dad in his life?
That wasn't fully my father's fault...
Why can't my brother know the Jesus I know?

I want so badly for him to love the Lord.
To know this fulfillment I have.
To get to know my dad again
I don't know if I can tell him that he's gay...
My dad's only son. gay.
But, I mean, we love him anyway
right?

I've been cool with my gay friends
That's whatever, their choice to not fully surrender.
but...
not my brother.
The one I've dreamed about meeting my whole life
The one I've sat for hours wondering what he's like
What he looked like
If he was married
If he had kids
If he ever missed us
Or wondered where we were.

We would pray for him and my sister, Shelly, growing up
Dad always prayed for us before bed
And we always prayed for them, too
If they've been covered in prayer, how does this happen?

My first reaction is regret...
Maybe I didn't want to know this...
But, at the same time
Maybe it's good
'Cause, now I know how to pray for him.
He's never too far gone.
And I love him
He's my only brother.

I'd love to meet him in real life one day
Maybe one day.
Who knows
but, for now
I pray with everything within me that he gets delivered.

Got off work a little early today, so I went into the cove and journaled for some time. Liz and I sat there together doing our own thing for a while, it was great.
Lots of things are going through my mind.
Honestly, I don't think I can ever get everything out.
That's okay.
I wrote this line, and after I wrote it, I stopped, re-read it, and said, "Woah. That's good."
"You weren't meant to understand, you were meant to live."

The truth in that statement is intense.
I don't know where my life is going
I have a general idea of where today is going.
Granted, it's 6:00pm, so there isn't much left to it, but it still can be pretty unpredictable.
I don't think it's really for us to understand.
We can't understand everything, that's impossible.
This is where trust comes in. We have to trust that God knows more than us, that He loves us and that He is going to take care of us.
All of which He has promised us.
Nowadays, promises aren't taken as seriously as they used to be
People make promises flippantly and break them consistantly, so when we hear God promises us something, there's a fear in the back of our minds.
No need.

God's got it.
He knows what you need.
Just let Him take you where He needs you to be, and He will take you to amazing places.
Places you'll love.

It's a win/win really.

I'm not a big fan of when people I trust hurt me.
Maybe that means I'm getting too close.
What's the point of getting close at all?

I've asked myself this question many times
Yet, I keep doing what I'm doing
I keep loving people, I keep putting my heart on the line, I keep believing in them.
Why?

Because how could I not...

I guess I just set myself up for this.
Maybe that's okay.

Numb.

Truth is, I'm not letting myself feel anything.
A few moments I was able to, but I've been in front of people, or places I don't want to break.
People can tell it, I know they can.
But, I have nothing to say.
Where would I begin?

Physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional.
I honestly wish I was in pain, maybe I could ignore this.

I must press on.
This will get better...
They have to.
Cause, if not
Then what's the point.

explosion

I'm at war within myself
And I don't know how to explain the fight.

I feel like breaking down.
What happened?
Nothing to me.
Friend is going through something difficult.
I can't do anything.
She's not talking to me about it, because I'm sitting right here in this public place.
She left rather upset.
She's talking to her sister and another friend.

So, I'm at war.
The war of not blaming myself
Or thinking anything is wrong with me
And also coming to the realization that my hands are tied.
That I can't help her.

I guess it makes me question a lot.
Am I too close?
Should I back off?
Should I trust people so much
Should I trust people at all.

I've been feeling simular ways that I did in high school.
Or shortly after.
I want to cut off emotions
Keep people at arms length.
Avoid this feeling
Avoid further feelings that cause hurt.

So, I'm blaring flyleaf in my earbuds as I sit in this coffee shop. I'm here 3 hours before my shift, because I got called in to make a few pans of gelato.
It's really pointless to go home.

It's like I can feel everything I've been living for
Everything pumping in my blood
Like an adrenaline rush
Flowing and flowing and making my heart race
Like I should be expecting something
Crap going wrong like it's trying to prevent it
I almost died in a car accident yesterday
I almost got into another one today
Health stuff trying to come back
Things attacking my family
Things attacking my friends
Things obviously attacking me

What do I do?
I wish I could just scream, and cry, and punch things, and let this out get this out of my system.
It's aching to come out.

What can I do
I don't think there is much.

People are starting to read it off of me
Ask me what is wrong
Or misinterpret it
Or not even ask what's wrong
Maybe they say other things...
Take a different notice than they usually do.

Something is stirring.
People are having dreams
People are being drawn to pray.
I feel this urgency.

When will this really happen?

I think I do this to myself.
I crossed the line.
I try and keep my distance from people, so I don't get too attached, or whatever.
I really don't even know how to explain this.
There are people I really care about I see there potential, and I want them to achieve it.
Sometimes I want it too much, and I feel like I've crossed the line.
Whatever.

Then, I mean, we're friends.
We tell each other stuff
But I'm suprised when she doesn't tell me something?
Granted, it is something that we usually talk about but, we aren't BFF's or whatever, which is good.
They're leaving soon anyway, so why should I care?
I don't know what will happen.

Now that I've ranted.
What do I really care?
Why should I worry about this?
There's nothing I can do about it, I just have to keep being who I am.
These are the cases that I look back on my writing, and cringe.
I feel like a stupid little girl.
I should just be real.
Who cares.
Don't put too much emotion into people.
I need to learn this difference.

This is good.
That I recognize what I need to do about this.
This post kinda makes me iffy.
Why post it?
I don't know.
 But, alas, I do it anyway.

sorrow lasts for the night...

So, the other night, my heart was feeling super heavy.
I didn't fully understand why.
One reason was to get me to pray for someone who was going through something I was unaware of at the time
The other was something for me before it happened.

Still, my friend prayed for me.
I couldn't hear what she said, but I knew it must be good, because what I felt was unmistakable.

Peace.

She text me later. Ironically, right as everything was unfolding.
It wasn't technically "tragic" but it's something really hard for me to deal with.
It's a topic that I'm personally working on
So, just the fact that she was there, texting me, encouraging me as it was unfolding made me smile.
Even though all this pain was looking me in the face, and had every reason to smile through it all.
God was proving Himself, that I will be okay.
That this wasn't my fault
That there is nothing I could do about it
And my friend, in her ever-wise words told me
"It's okay to grieve this, you know..."
So, I'm not crazy
or emotional
or stupid for feeling this way.
To know I was okay was exactly what I needed...
Then, she tells me what it was she was praying earlier
Praying against Depression
Praying against Loneliness
Praying against Abandonment...
To know that God had me covered in prayer before everything happened...
At the same time, my other friend was texting me that she loved me
So, I had love from two different aspects of my life.

Even though I cried myself to sleep that night
The tears dry
And the days get better.
The sun still shines
There is still so much to be happy about
And thankful for.
The sorrow lasts for the night
but joy comes in the morning
:)