Summer's End.

I keep getting this thought of,
"Summer will be over soon
Summer has to end."

But, it's not summer.

I don't expect you to understand what I mean.
I understand.
That's all that matters, really.

I don't understand what all this is suppose to mean.
If it's all just coincidence, or if it's significant.
If I should pay heed to those close to me and their opinions
Or if I should put that out of my head and see where things go.

I regret opening up to some people.
I need to learn to get better at this...

I'm learning, still.
And even after I learn the lessons I'm in the middle of
I'll have more learning to do.

I just wish everything was plain
That it was all black and white, and I didn't have to question.

Someone told me that Jesus heard my heart, and He's answering my questions
And many other things that seemed spot on
But, was it Holy Spirit led?
Or just accurate emotion...

Fact. I have a lot of growing to do.
Fact. I keep having dreams about puppies.
Fact. This neglected dog commercial is about to make me cry.
Fact. I'm still learning who I am.
Fact. There is a little dog blocking my vieew
Fact. I ignored the last phone call I received.
Fact. My biggest fear is that I'll lose my dad.
Fact. I should be asleep.
Fact. There's a lot of things I think about myself, and I'm not sure if they're true or not.
Fact. I have not been productive in the slightest today.
Fact. Both my laptop and my phone are dying.
Fact. Before blogging, I know exactly what I want to say, when I get here, I'm at a loss for words.
Fact. My hands are still pink from making gelato.
Fact. The future scares me. I have to think myself out of this mindset.
Fact. I'm convincing myself that crying is okay.
Fact. I don't really know why I posted this.

Dreams.

so.
What the heck.
My friend came up to me today and said,
"Emilee, you were in my dream"
"Oh, really? What was it about?"
"Come here, I don't want to say it too loud"
"Okay..."
"I had a dream like you were engaged"
"What?!"
"Yeah"
"Do we know the guy"
"Yes, we do. In my dream, he was about to leave, and before he did, he came up to me and told me y'all were engaged."
"Let me just ask you, would you approve of this guy?"
"Oh definitely"

So. I just had a dream like I was married.
To someone we know.
And, I'm kind of afraid that it's the same person in both dreams.
My friend wouldn't tell me who it was in his dream, but I have a feeling...

I'm really praying about this
Because, I think he told the guy.
I'm not sure, though.

It's interesting, that everytime I come to the mindset of contentment, of not wanting to get married, of wanting to stay close to my family. So many things. That is when these things come up.
Either, I'll have a dream, or someone else will tell me they had a dream, or something like that.
And, it confuses me.
Is this something trying to trip me up?
Or is this God trying to tell me something?

I thought about this tonight.
Quite a bit.
Regardless if this becomes something or not, it's something I need to pray about.
And, I can't go off of other people's opinions, because not everyone is going to agree with me.
I just need to go off of God's opinion.
That's what matters.
And I have to trust that He's not going to let me go down any path that will make me mess up.
I prayed a dangerous prayer that He would get rid of this if need be, and keep me from anything that isn't of Him. No matter how painful.
I'd rather have the pain, than lose something I've waited my entire life for.
But, at the same time, I'm not limiting God.

I have a lot to journal about.

Sorbetto Wisdom.

While at work, I was going between helping at the bar and helping making Sorbettos.
My boss came in, and asked to talk to me.

Funny, because I was just looking back on old posts and thinking back on a thought from a few posts ago.
How if I had confidence, I would be a force.

Long story short, I ended up leaning against the freezer in tears.
Good tears.
Healing tears.
But, there are many more tears that need to flow before the healing is complete.
Crying is still a new things to me
Feeling is a new thing.
I have to convince myself that feeling and crying are okay
That I can't love other people if I hide behind fear.
I'm limiting God.

I guess I've been hurt so many times, that it's allowed fear to take a root in me.
I have to know it's okay to make mistakes
To fall flat on your face
To make a fool of yourself
To be vulnerable.

*deep breath*
This will take some time to fully learn.
But.
I know it's a needed lesson.

Pray for me.

I feel as though my life is a book I've previously read.

I am my own, unique person.
Whether people want to love me or not is out of my control.
My duty, my call is to simply love them
Whatever that takes.

If people forget about me
Or leave, and never call
That's out of my hands.
As long as I do all I can to keep up my end.
The phone rings both ways, after all.

There are certain people I'm called to reach
Also, certain ones I'm not called to reach.
That doesn't mean I can't still be friends with them or anything.

I shouldn't get upset at what I don't have.
Instead, I should be grateful for what I do have.
And the beauty that's around me.

:)