My heart is a lofty place.

Interesting.

I've come across three people in the last week and a half that I haven't seen in years.
From three different seasons in life.
It's just really interesting, to have this continuously happening.
then, at the same time, my sister is texting me telling me she keeps seeing people we haven't seen in ages, mostly at a Mexican food restaurant.
It's just crazy.
I think there's a lot of new going on.
A lot of preparation.

I told a friend of mine about the dream I had of my friend dying.
He said that the fact that no one else seemed to notice may mean that this friend is more important to me than I realize.
He asked if I had asked God what it means, and I have, but I don't seem to have a definite answer.
It's interesting.
In the days following the dream, but before today, I had wondered if maybe she meant more to me than I realized. I was actually just telling a friend about it yesterday.
I might tell her about my dream. See what she says.

I have a lot to pray about
Addressing many different issues.
Things I really want God's direction in.
Oddly enough, I find myself thinking, "I don't really know how to pray about this"

The friend I saw today that I hadn't seen in ages had her almost 2 year old daughter with her.
The most precious child I've ever seen.
I've never met her, and she comes running up to me, so excited like I was the coolest person on the planet and she was thrilled to see me.
Then when I got to the restaurant, she sees me through the window and starts yelling, "Emmy! Emmy! Emmy!"
It made me feel so very loved.
And important.
My friend and I were talking the other day about how children seem to be drawn to us.
And how someone told her that children see things differently (which I've heard many different people have said this) and that they are drawn to us because they can see the Jesus in us. That's really what they're drawn to.
It's an amazing thing.

When I think about my life, I feel like I'm in a whole new world, to an extent.
*insert lyrical Aladdin montage here*
It's like my spirit is alive in a way it never has been.
Like I've noticed a difference, even just in the past few weeks.
Things are just opening up and falling into my lap
Falling into place.
Like my spirit knows so much more than my mind does, and it puts it in my heart, and that's what I'm following.

I need to pray.

I feel as though I might explode.
So many emotions being felt at once
and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I had a dream a dear friend of mine died.
Today, I hugged her.
Glad reality is that she's still with me
But, I wish I knew what that dream meant.

Saw two of my friends I haven't seen in...years.
Found out they live like, right down the street.
It truly is a small, small world.
And a funny one.

Many thoughts in my head
Many things to pray about.

I'm dog/apartment sitting, and I love it.

I'm breathing
I'm peaceful
I'm exhausted.

I'm not sure what I think
or feel.
It's a weird thing.

I have a new job, and I love my coworkers.
I'm laughing, because one of my coworkers is friends with one of my old best friends.
Granted, I'm not sure how she knows her, but it's a crazy thought.

It makes me automatically assume that I'm not good enough
That I'm everything I used to be
That I'm not wanted
That I'm a nuisance.
That eventually everyone will get angry with me and kick me to the curb.

It makes me angry at myself
For being bland
For not having enough fun things about me
For not being enjoyable
For talking to much to try and make up for it.
For being so awkward.
For being too deep all the time.

I'm learning how to not be so deep.
Maybe that's why this is hard, because I'm still learning.

It makes me want to compromise.
I deep down don't want to
but there's a thought in me.
There's a lot of thoughts in me.
No one really knows my brain
What I'm feeling or thinking
Who I am.
I try.
But there's many me's
and I'm still trying to figure it all out.

All while tolerating.
more stuff I don't know what to do with.

I found some old blogs from High School.
It got my interest, so I started reading them.

I guess I forgot how deeply I really felt all of those things I have overcome.
I mean, yeah, I know I've overcome.
I remember these were reality.
I guess I just forgot how extreme everything was.
It makes sense as to why it was so difficult to get to the point I am.

I couldn't read them for very long
It was starting to get unhealthy for me.
I could feel old desires being stirred up and I know that's what got me the last time.
It's a slow fade.
So, even if I want so deeply to feel like I'm in touch with my past
I had to close the screen.

I talked to my Student Advisor from my first year yesterday.
I wish she knew me now and not who I was when I was such an insecure ball.
It was so good to hear from her
To update her on my life, and be updated on hers
To hear she is doing so well and so happy
It just makes my heart so happy :)
It's crazy to hear from her and see where I am now froom where I was back then.
Things I never would have thought of before are now topics of conversation
And actual considerations.
I've come so far.

My brain is on overload
From everything that these days remind me of
To everything that these new days are holding.
All the new.
New.

I am new.

February.

Today is about 9 years since my friend committed suicide.
Tomorrow is 4 years since I started eating again.
The Packers are playing in the Super Bowl today
They were the favorite team of my friend who died 4 years ago this April 10th.

Usually around February every year, I start getting super nostalgic.
For some reason, this year I didn't even think about it.
I just barely noticed last night when I was driving home from work.
I only noticed because it's my girl Gabby's birthday.
That's when it clicked.

It hit kinda weird.
Like a super light ton of bricks.
I think today it hit me more.
A little more of a reality.

I don't have my old journals, but I was looking back on my old notebook to see what was being saidin Church services I was around.
Pretty right on.

Then it's ironic of things I was dealing with spiritually
and how it's almost parallel to now.
And how I didn't even realize the examples I was giving a few days ago to explain how I understood what someone was explaining to me about a current thing going on was this time three years ago.


But, you know.
This year, it's different.
It's easier.
I really feel like I have been more healed of everything.
That things don't sting as badly as they used to.
It's still very real
But a little less painful.


I was thinking all this during church
Then, of course, at lunch I run into the guy who sexually harassed me that I haven't seen in quite a while.


But, it's okay.
It's not as painful.
I think it will always be a thought
But, it doesn't always have to hurt.

Jesus loves me.
He is jealous for me.
And even when I screw up, He is so jealous for me that He won't let satan and his schemes overtake me.

That brings tears to my eyes.

Your mom.

My mom came to see me today.
I really miss her.
I don't think I've ever missed her this much.
Honestly, it's a new emotion for me.
Well, not new, but one I haven't felt in a very long time.
I can't confidently say that I know how to handle it.
She's not too far away, but far enough.
Everything is so new
And I'm not sure how it's going
And I'm not 100% comfortable yet.
I know I'll be okay. I will.


This life I live is more than I realize
More than I know.
I've known this for a while
I guess now it's just starting to set in.
It's beginning to become reality.
This life isn't about me.
I have to and am learning to fully trust God with everything in me
To trust that He has me and my life in His hands
And that I don't have to worry about anything.
That when things go a little weird, I can be okay.
That when I'm feeling nervous, I can take heart.
That when I'm feeling homesick, I can know that my family loves and supports me.
That they always will.
I can set my eyes towards what is true
What is eternal.
That is what is certain.
Jesus loves me, He has my best intentions at heart.
And He's taking care of me.