Jesus is the same

Jesus has really been working on my heart lately.
At prayer on Thursday... man, I wasn't expecting what He did for me.
Prayer went...pretty late. But we got into this Holy Spirit laugh fest, which I haven't experienced since Pastor Glenn had his church, Petra. From there, he went over and prayed for Lizette. I just kinda sat there, taking in the whole moment. I was pretty overwhelmed with Jesus, in a way I haven't been in a while.
Then, Pastor Glenn came up to me.
He started praying for me, and declaring peace over me... and countless other things. It was completely unexpected, but it began to chip away at the hard surface that my heart had become.
All the worries, all the fears, all the weight, it began to fall away.

"Why do you insist on carrying a burden that isn't yours to bear? Give it to Me, it's what I died for."
"You're doing the right thing."
"How much do you love me? You say you do, but do you truly love me? More than anyone else in your life, even your closest friend? Don't worry about them...don't worry about pleasing them, or if you're doing the right thing, or if they'll get upset...this isn't about you and them, it's about you and Me."

Those are just a few things God told me.
It was very reassuring...

Then, Friday, life got me all shook up.
I tried to fight to cling to the words from the day before, but I felt like I was swept up in a tornado. I was suffocating under people's opinions.
This was something I had dealt with before, but in another way...
Before it was "Am I good enough for them? Am I pretty enough? Do I say the right things?"
Now it had become, "Am I there enough for everyone? I want to do this, but if I do, then they might not like it, and I need for them to approve. Maybe I'll just get their opinion, see what they think... but what if they don't agree? Am I enough for everyone? Am I happy enough? Do I encourage enough? Do I come around enough? Do I sacrifice enough?"
Way too much pressure for one person to handle.

How about I just do what God tells me, no matter what...no matter who it may hurt, or who may not understand--that's not mine to handle, it's God's... I'm just supposed to walk where He leads me, and let Him take care of the rest.

It's not always easy, but it's right.
Who knows? Where I would naturally have compromised to keep a friendship might just be supporting them in a place in their walk they're not supposed to be in... And, honestly, that's not a very good friend... I mean, yeah, you want to be there for them and all, but you don't want to justify their sin, or whatever you want to call it.

Not saying that these people are sinning, because, honestly, I don't know. And I think that's what's made it so hard. I don't know what's going on, so I don't know how I'm supposed to act.
I'm like an actor without a script.
Not anymore.
Now I shall be like when Mrs. Rachel would call us on stage and have us exort the congregation without any warning. When she did that, you had to fully rely on God and God alone. No one else could give you what to say.
So, I'm throwing away the temptation of a script at all
I'm going scriptless

That's full trust.

Sometimes, I wish all this would go away. So that way, life would be easy, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything.
But, then, what would I learn? Nothing about myself. Nothing about trust.
Nothing that God has shown me the past three days.

He's working everything out.
He continuously calms my anxious heart.

He is my everything.
Thank You, Jesus.

a few things I don't want to forget.

"11:12pmMelissa
yea you never know maybe he had you there to touch someones life! (which you are good at doing!)"
"11:09pmMelissa
so i will be definitely praying!
you have to do what the lord is leading you to do even though i guarantee people will be offended and not understand!"

"11:19pmMelissa
ps your letter from the wedding really encouraged me and made me tear"

That meant so much to me.
Made me feel like I'm doing something right...
Thank You, Jesus, for people like this...

Such is life.

Uncertain.
I feel as though the carpet has been pulled from under me.
So many key things in my life have been shaken, and even though some things still remain, I'm uneasy about them.
This has already happened once before.
It scares me.

I'm afraid I've just been lying to myself. Making up things and making myself believe them to take the sting out of life.

I'm really feeling like a failure. With a lot of things. I know there are so many things I could have done better, and now I can't fix it. I just feel like apologizing to so many people. For not beign better.
There's so many things my heart longs for, and it seems that those things I long to be and do, I just throw out the window.
And I don't think these lies are helping any.

Maybe I should just start life over.
Or just stay away from everyone until everything progresses enough for me to pick back up on.

This meant the world to me.

"so I'm teaching VBS at my church and the main girl in all the skits reminds me of you sooo much! long blond hair, big smile, super energetic and oozing with the love of God"

tonight.

Was one of the best nights of my life.
So wonderful, that I can't seem to make myself go to sleep...even though I have work in the morning...
I spent it with my dear friends Betty Jean Mata, Sarah Spencer, Jenn Garibay, and Joanna Cardenas.
Really, there are no words to describe what this evening meant to me
What these girls mean to me
What their friendship means to me.

They support my dreams.
They care about my dreams.
They care about me.
They love me.
It's just a friendship that can't be described...
...it's what I've prayed for my whole life.

I felt like I was in a movie.

Jesus, You are so wonderful for bringing them into my life.
Thank You so much...

I feel like throwing up.

Why is that?
What the heck is my deal?
Things are going well except this one thing.
What is my problem?
It seems to just be me.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I suck.
Like I'm wrong.
and now like I'm alone in this.

What the heck am I supposed to do?

Everything else is great.
I'm full time now, which is wonderful and scary.
Just this one freakin' thing.
I thought it was fixed, why is this still an issue?

Is that why I want to move out? To try to escape the issue?
I just want everything I'm promised...
I don't want to hurt anymore.

My heart is overflowing...

I was prophecied over at the Missions conference this weekend.
Now I'm in this state, where I want to shout from the rooftops, and I want everyone to know about everything inside of me...
...but I treasure them all up in my heart
the way it's supposed to be.

I'm just overflowing...
people have no idea how wonderful and how glorious my God is to me! He loves me with an everlasting love, He only wants to prosper me, He has called me to something bigger than me, He graces me to do His will
ahhh, so wonderful!

When I woke up, I came downstairs, and mom said she was expecting me to come into their room last night.
I asked why
and she said there was a bad storm that passed through.
At one time the thunder was so loud, it sounded like it was in our yard. That lightning was striking our property...

...I must be at peace to have slept through that

Thank You, Jesus! :)