Get out of my head.

My favorite flower growing up was always a rose…but, as I got older, I dropped this.And, it wasn’t until today that I figured out why.

I heard so many people say, “Roses are so overrated…everyone has red roses at their wedding. I don’t like them.”

Apparently, hearing that enough, I conformed my thought patterns to that of those around me…
Not anymore.

It began last Wednesday with three red roses, and a wonderful revelation of Jesus through them.

It continued yesterday. In picking my car.
The Sonata is newer, it’s more professional-looking on the inside, it has less milage on it, and I do believe it was my mom’s favorite of the two.
But.
When it came down to it, it was my decision.
Before I enlisted the help of friends ( :D ), I test drove a red Kia, simply because the Silver Sonata was getting it’s oil changed, and they’re practically the same car. So, after finding a picture of Taylor Swift on the ground by the car, I get in with my mom.
As I turn on the car, the thought occurs. “You’ve always wanted a little red car…”I haven’t thought that in…I can’t even remember how long.Then, all the thoughts come flooding back, of how I didn’t want the explorer because it was tan and ugly and big but it wasn’t my choice because it was my sister’s car first, how the first name Turbo had was “Rose”, and many other things…I kinda sat in a shock brought on by realization.

Why did I change my car’s name? Because I thought people thought it was a stupid name… Why did I start despising little red cars? Because people said they got pulled over easier by popo’s.
So, what did I do?
I picked the red car :)
And it was confirmed that the red car was more “me”

I’ve decided I’m really going to be myself.
Screw what other people say.
I’ve always been told I’m unique and stuff, but I think I’m just now starting to embrace it.

I love Jesus
I’ve never dated
I like elephants
I hate stickers and donuts
I like red roses and purple flowers of any kind
I’ve always wanted a little red car
I’m simple, and that makes things complicated
My love languages are quality time and physical touch. I know you love me if you spend time with me. I really know you love me if you touch me.
I love photography
I crochet
I sign
Rome is my favorite place
I’m very sentimental
I tend to take everything to heart, because I put my heart into everything
If I’m not listening to music, I have it playing in my head loud enough for me to not be able to tell.
I’m clumsy
I want to go to Morocco.
I miss going to the Hebrew thing I went to when I was little.
I bake some killer brownies
I like meeting new people. I’m just usually scared that the feeling isn’t mutual.
I love laughing
Puppies always make things better.
I’ve journaled since I was twelve. And I’m so grateful for it.
I am me.

hindsight.

In hindsight, it seems that I just screw people’s lives up…I can recall being told numerous times,“Emilee, you helped me grow a lot”In other words,“You made me so mad… so I used it to “learn from” to make myself feel better.”
Or, once I’m gone from people’s lives, I see them post about how that season was so difficult. Or things happen that seem out of no where, but I can’t just erase it. And I don’t understand it at all.
What am I to do?Nothing.
Matthew 6:34… I suppose that also means not to worry about what has already happened as well.I find myself content. But it seems that when I do, things come in to make me anxious.
Why is it that I can’t know what’s coming up in the near future, but others can?And why is it that when I’m going where I feel God is leading me, and doing what I feel is correct in every situation, and if not, as soon as I realize it, I’m quick to correct it or apologize, or both… Why is it that things still seem to fall on me?
…
Because I trust. I can’t see all of this, because I trust.And that’s not a bad thing at all. I just know that it won’t all make sense to me now…I have to remain secure in the fact that I was indeed led by God, in everything…And that He isn’t gonna leave me hanging…
I don’t even know if that makes sense…but it does in my head, and more importantly in my spirit.
I guess I just gotta let life happen.

one day...

It kinda hurts to see that people that once made me believe that I was important to them don't really ever talk to me. But that other people--random ones--are. I'm sure I've made people feel this way, and it breaks my heart... because I hate how it feels...
It makes me feel that when I knew them, I was misinterpreted. Or because they knew what I was struggling with that got masked from other people, that they think less of me.
Or that they had misconcieved notions about me.
I'm fun, I really am.
I'm not deep all the time
I loooove laughing
I love having a good time, and making memories.
But I'm afraid that they only see me as the immature whatever whatever...the person you tolerate.
I know one day they'll see...and hopefully they'll understand...
Maybe this is what has given me the strength I have today.
The fact that they kinda let go of me.
I know they love me, they do. But, I've just had so many people kick me to the curb.
I'm trying to make a point now to search out those people I may have done this to, and reconcile. Because there are many perfectly good friendships to be had if I stop being so selfish.
I've come to find out that most people don't think of me the way I've made it up in my head that they do...
Is this my fault for thinking whatever it is I've made up in my head? Or is it because I'm not being told anything else by them...that I just don't know...
*shrug*
oh well.
Time for a new lesson to be learned.
I can't rely on people to spoon feed me.
I have to take initiative
I have to keep confidence
And I can't get offended or upset.
I have to take the first step sometimes.
One day this will all make sense.

I know I'm loved.
But, I'd like to actually feel loved every once in a while...
and know, just know that it was true.

I have come to the conclusion.

That I can't control anything.
And I just have to live with this fact.

But, I know I can rest assured that everything will be okay.
Just, sometimes I wonder if I need to step out, ya know? Instead of just being passive and letting things happen.

Well, stepping out is getting me no where but shoved back to where I was standing before.
I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Things will be taken car of from here.

Tired.

I'm tired of living with two married couples--it's ruining me.
I'm tired of having to put up with everything here
I'm tired of walking on egg shells at home
I'm tired of not being able to fully be myself
I'm tired of tolerating
I'm tired of being talked to like I'm lazy, or incapable, or whatever.
I'm tired of people thinking I suck.
I'm tired of people talking things about me that aren't true
I'm tired of people thinking I'm things I'm not.
I'm tired of being tired all the time
I'm tired of being busy
I'm tired of ... so much.

I really don't know.
I'm trying, I really am...but really... I don't know what else to do.
Is something wrong with me? Do I just suck that bad? Do I have some sort of condition that causes me to act the way I do and feel the way I feel?
Or is this just how I am...
Am I just misunderstood?

I don't know
But whatever it is, it's getting old.

Dream. Please come true...

I guess I'm learning contentment
or, at least I'm getting better at it.
Even though I'm missing out on a lot, I'm taken care of. I have all I need.
I'm were I'm supposed to be for now.
I don't know why, but that's okay
I don't know for sure what is next, but that's okay.

I had a dream last night, that I got engaged...
Hah, we were walking around HEB with my family, and he asked me? or whatever? but it wasn't all hillbilly red-neck style. I don't know, anyway...
I can remember thinking, "am I ready for this? Can I handle this? Am I mature enough for this?" Then looking at him, running into his arms, and just looking him in the eyes and being happy. Giddy, really. But I was so happy.
Then I just laid my head on his chest. Wow.

Yesterday I found this apartment. It is the most adorable one bedroom apartment I've seen in portland ever. And I could probably manage getting it, but I don't think I'm supposed to. I was mad when I realized this, because I just want to move my life forward so badly, but... I don't think I have to make the next move.
I think it's all just a matter of waiting for timing.
On my lunch break, I think I asked God to give me a dream to show me something, because of this apartment. I have dreams that happen sometimes, and so I wanted something to show me what to do, because I feel clueless.
I know when I went back to work, I stood there and told God if He wants me to get married, He better let me know about it. I want to meet the guy, and be his friend, and it just happen. I don't want awkwardness, I don't want questions... I just want it to flow...because if it doesn't, it could get messy considering I've never dated. So, He's gotta handle that.
And last night in my car, I told Him He had to do something...because where I'm at I can't even take care of myself the way I should. And I don't want t o get sick again. I want to be happy, and happy with myself.
So.
I guess we shall see...